HENECRAN DACHGIWWING

I Am Become Death

2012-02-09T05:16:00.000-08:00

I watched as the dark clouds gather ominously in the sky, the groans of wanted release of the rain as the droplets squirm inside their cage. The sun that was shining brightly a while ago was reduced to a gloomy dim, threatening to be extinguished. The flowers that grew in the garden so neatly kept, drooped lower and lower, the leaves turning brown, signs of life ceasing. I stood at the end of the ridge, drinking the sorrow in, heaving a sigh as I knew what has become.

I enter civilization and watched as the citizens hurried to their destinations. Each of them donned a black suit, an unpleasant sight like one you would see in a funeral. Even the children were dressed so darkly with matching black sneakers, silently making their way through the crowd. I stopped at a coffee shop and ordered an iced mocha. Closer observation revealed the bags beneath the waitress's eyes as she served my drink along with a black book for my perusal. I recognized the book.

It was wrapped in black but that was just so that the original black cover of the book was not tainted. The wrapping was merely a copy of the what the cover should have been. It had a silver scythe in the middle, the blade soaked with the darkest of red that was human blood. I recognize the book not because of the cover, nor the dark void that the book seemed to emit. It was for a simple reason.

It was his book.

This was the book that had most of the ideas and thoughts that he had wanted to eliminate or never wanted to see ever again. It was a book only he and I could have access to.

A flash of lightning, followed by a roar of thunder as the rain was unleashed. A young boy cried in his mother's lap as the sound, no doubt, shocked him. I slowly drank my coffee as I read the book. Outside, the rain continued to pour.

I reached the final written page of the book. The lines that covered the page were heavy and its weight pulled on my heart. At the end of the last sentence, there was a quote.

"I am become Death. I will be the scythe that cuts through the soul.

I will be the recorder of the final moment, the piano that plays the final note, the air that takes the final breath. I am become Death"

Right on cue, as i finished the last word, there was another flash of lightning. This time, the thunder that followed was unlike any other that came before it. It was a roar of grief, a howl of pain, a cry of despair. The young boy let out a scream of pain as he failed to shut out the noise in time.

And that was when all hell broke loose.

First, the sound of breaking glass.

Then, the dropping of the boy's body on the floor followed by a gut-wrenching shriek by his mother.

Next, came the choked scream of the waitress as she clutched her face in horror.

Then, the sounds of cars colliding, the uprooting of the trees, the ripping of papers, the demolition of buildings, the splitting of the earth.

It all happened in a matter of seconds and I was too stunned to move.

Too stunned to even notice the ceiling falling on me.

There would be no better time than this to wake up and brush it off as a dream.

But this was not a dream. This was reality.

The turmoil that is about to happen is real.

The scythe that was once shackled, unused, now burst into life.

The reaper that lay dormant, has awaken.

The final barrier has collapsed. The box has been opened.

He has come.

He has become Death.

The Undefined Darkness

2012-02-04T01:08:00.000-08:00

*****HD*****

I walked aimlessly around the busy streets of the city, aimlessly I said but in fact, my mere perambulation was but a way to remove the worrisome thoughts that clouded the entity of my mind. I looked at every building, every vehicle and every human that walked past me. I looked at the layout, the infrastructures that stand so proudly in the heart of the city. As I witness a few tourists eagerly snapping photos at god-knows-what, I blot out the thoughts in my mind.

*****CCW*****

I followed my mother to the hypermarket today, obtaining the items I required to be brought to my room in my uni. As I waked, I observed the happy, sad and angry expressions that were on the faces of the people that walked past me. And then, I saw my own face. There was nothing of that sort on my face. It was lifeless. Eyes without the slightest sparkle. There was neither a frown nor a smile. There was no wrinkles of anger nor depletion of eyebrows to portray despair. There were only dark bags underneath my eyes, an empty shade for eyes, an emotionless facial expression. I looked dead.

*****HD*****

I was offered a brochure by one of the promoters in the shopping mall I had decided to trespass on. I politely declined and continued on my aimless stroll. I catch sight of kids running around and screaming, oblivious to the world, ignorant to how life can change in just a snap of fingers. A small boy nearly rammed into me as he laughed at being chased by his younger brother. I looked at my watch. A few minutes to midnight. I heaved a sigh and exited the mall. Driving back in the night was not going to be a pleasant one.

*****CCW*****

I felt a sharp pain as I drove back in the night. I was slowly picking up more speed as I shifted gears, overtaking car by car. 90..100..110...120....130...140...i was reaching the 150 mark on my old Honda City when I jolted to my senses. I calmly stepped the brakes and slowed down before stopping at a traffic light. I took a deep breath and gazed into the night.

This is only the beginning of another chapter.

But it was the never the end of the previous one.

This is only the stage between the folds, the calm before the storm, the ripple before the wave.

But the pain is there, and so is the determination.

This is the only way forward.

But I will not back down.

Dark Return

2012-01-21T23:18:00.000-08:00

Previously, i was in the middle of posting something but failed to conclude it because of the turmoil that was going within myself. I could finish it, but the feeling was not there. I guess, a blog post is something you have to finish within one attempt and not leave it for next time.

I concluded my first semester of Mechanical Engineering in the University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus with a not-too-nicely done semester exam. With a heavy heart, I headed back to Subang Jaya, with hopes that this Chinese New Year would cheer me up(There were other issues left behind in Semenyih but more of that later).

I was wrong.

When I return, a storm had just came and went. I received two shocks which undeniably, were very painstaking. The lesser shock was that two of my friends who were mere friends(i believe the astute term here would be 'friendzone'?) got together whilst I was having my exam. I shall put an end to what I have mentioned on the shock as the bigger shock was far too shocking that it instantly robbed my entire being of being happy to be back in Subang.

It appears that my father has contracted something worse that what he had overcame. The third stage. With modern medication incapable of dealing with the problem, we turn our heads to traditional medication, in the hopes(high hopes) that it works.

And i thought flunking exams would be the biggest worry of my life.

Despair.

Only this word could fit the emotions that swirled in my heart at that time. I was at a friend's house at the moment I received the news. There was nothing else that pained me more than this. I was depressed for two whole days before forcing myself to pick up myself and maintain a calm front. I viewed my options and reached a conclusion.

I have to go on.

There are times in life where one can be sad. This is not one of those times. Not yet at least. And I hope the time for that does not come any time soon. I do not believe in praying but if there is a God, then I pray that for the prolonging of his life. If there is an ounce of hope left, i'm not giving it up. And so does he.

As I close the chapter of that case, not permanently, but just momentarily, I heaved a sigh. Life doesn't go the way you want it to go. There are obstacles around, investments to be made, challenges to be accepted, problems to confront and pain to acknowledge. As long as despair gives me strength, I know I can push forward.

HD is on a hiatus as I take matters into my own hands. Relying too much on one side is not going to make things easier. From now on, I walk alone, with inspiration and help as a catalyst not as my backbone.

CCW

Humans..

2012-01-06T03:50:00.000-08:00

I watched his slumped figure as he hurries with his dinner and rushes upstairs. I sat down as I looked at the carnage he escaped from. A woman speaking with logic, annoying logic but containing utter truth that is irrefutable. A man, sitting motionless at the dinner table, bearing a pain, on the road of recovery, but doing little to improve his condition.

I sighed as I left the house. I looked up at the sky and smirked at myself. Such a stereotypical way of starting something. As I continued my perambulation, I paused as I composed my thoughts.

Humans.

The race of humankind cannot be simply categorized into groups. It is a race filled with ignorant, foolish people who do not put their weight on what is right, but instead, what suits them more. They punctuate their pain with grunts, anger with grumbles, despair with sighs. Nothing more, nothing less. Only those with minds of higher intellect would step forward to share their problems.

'A problem shared is a problem halved'

When humankind came up with that phrase, I would assume that they would at least try to abide to it, despite the obvious flaw in it. Unfortunately, a phrase is ultimately, just a phrase. Not everyone has the initiative to do so. They cover their implications with utter silence. They keep the problems to themselves. They bear the weight of their pain by themselves, never realizing what family...and friends can do for them.

I stopped at the big hypermarket that was erected grandly a few years back. People stream in and out of it, carrying goods, their pockets lighter. I looked at the faces of the people. I see happiness, emptiness, despair, even pain. Humans are indeed a peculiar kind. They shield themselves behind a facade of lies, comforting themselves ineffectively, never understanding the true meaning of recovery.

I carried on my night stroll.

I stopped at a field where I see a mosque and a secondary school. The school which educated many students, many of which have become successful. The school also has its dark history. Its history of delinquents, but for its worth, stood proud because it has found the solution to its problems. What about the other people that I've come across? Most of them have secrets and problems kept within them, unbeknownst to their family members and friends. To what end would they carry on this shade?

I notice an elderly man, walking leisurely in the neighbourhood. His face was calm, full of serenity. As we passed each other, I could see that despite the calm outlook, there was deep pain in his soul. I do not know what has transpired but it is this sort of facade that the humans have in their daily life.

Humans are not totally foolish and ignorant. They improve in time. For better or for worse, it is not the case. It is the determination that makes humans live on. Until Death meets them, they strive on, never giving up, struggling for whats worth.

And that is why I stand by humans.

My Life As It Is

2011-09-24T21:11:00.001-07:00

I started taking a part time job a week before shifting in to Taman Tasik Semenyih. Thanks to Ryan, I was able to earn not just a nice sum of money to aid in my uni life, but also the experience of having an office job...not to mention meeting new friends. I was given the task of data entry for the company his father was working in; Malaysian Healthcare Sdn. Bhd. . It was a nice job albeit nearly falling sleep every half hour and so because the work was rather sleep-inducing for the first two times.

Me at work.

My workplace..nice isn't it?

After a week at work, I began my packing for Semenyih. Having been rejected from Nanyang Technological University Singapore, I opted for my second choice, Nottingham University Malaysia Campus where I will be studying Mechanical Engineering. I went to Nottingham U together with 4 more of my classmates, Ryan Wong, Chan Kun Eng, Saadeesh Gunasekaran and Heng Shu Peih. Incidentally, I am actually the only one from my old group of friends who will embark on the journey in Semenyih, with the rest either in Taylor's Lakeside, Monash, UK, somewhere else or still bumming off.

I am staying in a bungalow(renovated to fit 11 students) with Ryan, Kun Eng and Shu Peih. Each of us took a single room to ourselves with Kun Eng the only one to take the ground floor room. Ryan, Shu Peih and me opted for the top floor.

The house before renovation.

My room during renovation

The design will be a bane later

I had originally been offered a room in campus. A 4-shared one for RM355. However, two days after receiving the room offer, Ryan called me with this off-campus offer. The house was just a stone's throw away from the bridge connecting the housing area and Nottingham U. My room was RM500 a month. RM145 more expensive for a far more private room with air-conditioning, comfort of friends, your own kitchen and bathroom, and a room which I can roam freely. Why not? I immediately took the room, ignoring the in campus room.

Did I take the right choice?

Yes....and no.

My mum was not impressed by the design of my room, along with the fact that it took the landlady 4 whole days to get my toilet installed AFTER I moved in. The first three days staying in was a mess as the landlady did plenty of last-minute last-minute (this is not a typo) arrangements. The aftermath? After much contemplation, I got the approval. It was a nice room, there was no denying that. And I had friends living under the same roof. What more is there to complain?

The bungalow ready..the Merc is not ours though (Its Shu Peih's parents')

The bridge to the University

Stairway to heaven?

My room once its done

I enjoy the comfort of my room VERY much

Comfortable bed :-P

Kun Eng's room

Ryan's room

So that is my room and the house that I'm living in. It is nice. There is only two things that annoy me. One. The air-cond is working so good, I'm freezing when the temperature is 22°c. Two. There is so much dust when I wake up. So, basically, I have to sweep the floor everyday and the temperature has to be increased. Not much to complain about, frankly speaking.

Shu Peih's parents bought her a car for easy access to the supermarket, Tesco as well as eating places. I am proud to say that she has given me permission to use the car during certain times when she does not know the way. I have not driven an automatic car for real before.However. Her car is awesome. What car did her parents buy for her?

An SLK.

I sense you pausing. I sense your mind thinking "Well, its natural i guess. Her parents have a Merc E240, its okay if she gets an SLK." Yes, my friends. It is an SLK. An SLK.

...

....

.....

......

.......

A Small Little Kelisa.

=.='

I hear you laughing. I sense your infuriated feeling to just punch me.

Let me correct you there.

It is a small little Kelisa. But, there is something different with this Kelisa. It is powerful. Let me repeat that. POWERFUL.

We took this car to Sunway Pyramid just the day before to meet up with Theresa. Who drove? Yours truly. The feeling I get when I drove the car? Pure delightfulness. The handling was fantastic. The acceleration? Very good for a 1-litre car. I suspect the previous owner (The SLK was a second-hand, I failed to mention that) had a turbo placed in the engine, or at least a charged engine. I shall confer with Saadeesh when he returns from Banting.

Let me just give you a scale of how good this car is.

I took this car back to my home to get some stuff that i had forgotten to take.

On the way to Pyramid, a Honda City 2007 edition was being a prick and was trying to overtake me at a turning that could only let one car go at one time. I gave way until we reached a straight road. If calculations serve me right, I would have lost to the much better 1.5-litre Honda.

But no.

This SLK (small ~~little~~ lethal Kelisa) was going faster than that Honda. Of course, you would have to play with the gear changes a bit (D2-D3-D4) for better pick-up but ultimately, the Kelisa driven by yours truly managed to overtake the Honda.

Hopefully, that was not a fluke.

Limited Edition SLK

Sport rims..I like

A roommate, Sean Tan, hailing from Seremban got his Honda Jazz into an accident as he went back to Seremban for a night. Result? He brought back a meaner car.

This is a Nissan Murano Impul 725 SV

One of the things we had to worry about when living alone was our food consumption. We do not have easy access to cash since we were only studying and not working to earn a living. Our safe option? Home-cooking.

Thanks to Shu Peih, we managed to have a very very nice home-cooked dinner on Thursday.

Electric stove (Shu Peih) and mini rice cooker (Kun Eng)

Shu Peih frying the fish along with Ryan and Saadeesh

I have no idea what Kun Eng and Saadeesh were doing

Glass noodles with pork

Shu Peih cooking the chicken soup

Fried fish

Fried eggs with prawns

The dinner table

Tucking in as a family

It was a very nice dinner. Shu Peih excelled in cooking and also cooked Tomyam fried rice for today's breakfast with the remaining leftover rice from the dinner.

Tomyam fried rice

Since we are on the subject of food, let me talk about the restaurant we went in Broga. We had just properly met with Koh Hao Min and Loo Ming Hiong, former A-Level coursemates in Sunway U. Both taking Pharmacy in Nottingham, we decided to eat dinner in Broga. Seven of us (Ryan, Kun Eng, Sean, Shu Peih, Hao Min, Christine ( Loo Ming Hiong) and me) went in search of a restaurant in Broga. ( I'm terribly sorry for missing out Saadeesh T.T)

We went to a Chinese restaurant to try their food. Verdict? Excellent.

Here are the dishes.

Vegetables with egg white (forgot the name)

Sizzling hotplate Japanese Tofu

Fuyong Fried Egg

Butter chicken

Assam Fei Zhou Fish

We came, we ordered, we eat...

we happy...(though their faces didn't look that happy init?)

Nevertheless it was a good dinner.

This sums up my first week in Semenyih. There are just two more things to talk about before I conclude this post.

One.

A dog has fallen in love with Ryan. The dog follows him everywhere even up to the cafeteria in the university.

And so, Ryan has decided to christen the dog in honor of one of our A-level coursemates. Who do you think he named it?

Here's a hint..you might see him as a triple B in Garena

Two.

We had our induction a day after registration. Our Provost/CEO had conducted an experiment with Paul the Octopus and this is the result.

Unbelievable? Believe it.

I am having fun in Semenyih. It is like a rebirth into a new life. I do not intend to forget my life back in Subang as I have many fond memories there too along with many good friends still living there.

But for now, I am content with life here.

I begin my classes tomorrow.. I will not be as free as I am now to post in my blog. But I will try and find time.

And that is my life as it is.

CCW

Of Seafood and Paddy Fields

2011-09-03T00:41:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I followed a group of my friends to Kuala Selangor for a day trip. Yes, I managed to get permission to do so. The aftermath was of course, terrifying but I'm not giving a damn anymore. But more of that next time. So, Kuala Selangor. It was a 2 hour drive from USJ 2 to the restaurant we wanted to eat at, plus another half an hour for severe traffic jams along the way. The journey was not unpleasant. Due to the fact that my car had no fuel, I opted to hitch a ride from Alex with Jian Shen and May Qin in the car too. I do not remember the way clearly, but suffice it is to say that the journey was light and easy with good music, jokes and a snapshot of Alex and me in his mum's sunglasses.

I can't describe how I look in this...

We reached Kuala Selangor with no particular incidents and trudged along to the restaurant which was located near to the parking bay.

It was jam-packed with people.

We learnt that there were 7 more groups before us that still did not have a table to sit.

And so we waited. We chilled at a small coffee-house near the restaurant after touring some of the places around the vicinity.

Finally, we got ourselves a table.

While waiting, we played Alchemy..like a boss

Waiting for the food...for what seemed to be an hour

Well, we did wait rather long for the food but it was worth it. The food was awesome. I'm not going to spoil anything, so that's all i'm gonna say.

Before we left for Sekinchan, we took a group shot as a remembrance that we have 'invaded' Kuala Selangor.

Top from left: Elaura, Wei Mund, Sam, Suba and May Qin

Bottom from left: Alex, me, Jian Shen and Ling Ben

Sekinchan, here we come.

The reason we wanted to go to Sekinchan was to have a view of the paddy fields in the area. What was first assumed as a boring thing to do turned into a two and a half hour stay there with many photo-shootings and posing shots.

Gazing in the skies

Night shot of the paddy field

Another shot

Day shot of the paddy field

Geng Sekinchan

It was a good trip.

It was also a trip with the aim of spending time with Jian Shen and Ling Ben who would be leaving to study in the UK.

I wish them all the best.

CCW

In The Eyes Of The Suffering One

2011-08-24T05:29:00.000-07:00

"Where did you go today?" she asked me.

"Puchong," I replied shortly, "Lunch with my friends."

"Next time, you have to tell your parents where you are going. Show some respect to us."

I paused in the process of putting a spoonful of rice into my mouth. I immediately recall the day before when I was telling her that I would not be eating lunch at home due to me going out. I recall the years before when I had shown every single ounce of respect to her.

Show some respect, you say?

Funny how a pre-informed outing can turn into something so disrespectful. Sure, she can put the reason on being busy and therefore not remembering such a detail. However, that would go against her very own principle of being alert to everything.

I fail to understand the three words that just came out of her mouth. Words that came out so easily as though for all my life, I have been a disrespectful bastard.

I have not, I admit, been the perfect son. In fact, there would be no such meaning in being a perfect son. I have, however, heeded every single order she gave. When she told me not to go out, I would obey. When she told me no overnight stays, I obeyed here. Whenever an order was given to me, I followed them like a dog.

You call that being disrespectful?

True, there are times when I would forget to take back the laundry when evening turns to night. There are times when I forget to eat fruits after lunch. There are times when I forget to sweep the floor.

A simple "Go and do it lah.." would be better than "You damn bloody shit, useless piece of shit."

What do I do then?

I just kept patient. Gifted with a high level of tolerance which none of my family members have, I kept everything inside, once in a while, letting it out in silence. Sometimes, tears would fall. Sometimes, blood would spill. Sometimes, the agony is so much I would feel my heart burn.

I kept everything in. I never fought back. Even when the whole world was opposing me.

I do not need anybody to feel the same way as I do.

I do not need anybody to comfort me for what I am about to do.

All I need is a place where I can just let go.

And hope that I can forget the painful memories that are in my head.

CCW

Its Not Anger...Its Pure Burning Wrath

2011-08-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

I stood there. In the middle of the bridge. On my right, the glorious flames that lick the skies. On my left, the prideful stone-cold rocks that threatens confinement. I cast a sad eye at my surroundings. These are my only two options. I gaze at the sky. Dark clouds gather in the middle where I was standing. The winds crying for release. The bulky weight of the rain as the clouds groan to sustain them.

I gripped the railings of the bridge tightly. I gnashed my teeth in restraint. I shook, trying to contain everything inside. I lose the will to stand. As I fell on my knees, a tear dropped. As though it was waiting for its cue, the clouds released the rain they have been storing. The winds blow a mourning wail. Tears stream freely as I screamed at the top of my lungs. The world was rend apart. The flames blaze on and on. The rocks stood sturdy as ever.

A moment's reprieve.

And then, everything disappears.

The flames shut down. The rocks destroyed. The bridge collapsed. The only sound I could hear was the roar of pure burning wrath from my very mouth. Darkness slowly engulfs me. Black fire surrounds me. I do not feel pain from the hot flames. I do not fear the blackening vision. I could only roar out in the pain in my heart. The pain which tore my heart into a million pieces. The pain which snapped a chord in my brain. The pain which took me to insanity and back to reality.

I adjusted my vision in the blackening chasm. As my sight became accustomed to the darkness, I could make out a large rock that stood in my way. I could hear the screams of terror from the rock. I could taste their fears. I could sense their loosening grip on sanity. The edges of my mouth curved upwards. I clenched my fists and with the strength I had, pounded the rock again and again. Blood dripped from my fists as I continued to smash the rock, punctuating each punch with a roar.

The rock, although quite large, broke after my relentless pounding. As the rock shattered, pieces dropping onto the unseen ground, I let out a scream. I slammed my fists on the blood-soaked ground, screaming and yelling, not in pain but in despair.

Silence in the dark. The only sound I could hear was the dripping of the blood from my hands. I lay down on the ground and gazed at the sky. The rain stopped as I brought down the large rock. Still, the clouds cover the bright light of the sun.

I do not need the sun.

I do not need the hope that people tend to rely on.

I just need the despair.

I just need the pure burning wrath that is who I am.

I just need.... nothing more than that.

CCW

Despair - Make It Your Life Force

2011-08-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

I arrived at the USJ 2 housing area an hour early before the meet up time with my old school friends. Friends that I still remain in contact with. I parked my car at the bus stop just outside my old school. With a sigh, I got down and looked at the surroundings, shrouded by the darkness of night, chilled by the cold wind of the evening. I glanced at the time on my handphone.

"8.00pm, huh?"I muttered to myself. Looking at the streets, I chanced a walk in the night, to help ease my mind. As I trudged along, I looked at the nostalgic roads, reminiscing on how I used to be one of those who lived hear.

"Remaining in the past will not get you anywhere, my friend,"A voice spoke to me in the darkness. Without looking around, I knew HD was alongside me, in the darkness of the streets. "I do not remain in the past..I just, had an attachment for this place..You see this street?" I pointed at the road in between 2/5E and 2/5D. "Ah, yes..tragedy befell here and you still had the heart to return to such a morbid place. You are a strange one..you intentionally wallow yourself in this pain and for what gain?"HD asked.

"Strength. I was ever the strange one. I revel in pain, enjoyed sorrow and accepted agony. I do not mean that I am a sadist or a masochist. I do this to remind myself of how weak I was, and how weak I am. How useless I was..how hopeless I am."

"It is not about the defects of yourself, but how you intend to make those defects become your strength. You have gained friends, few, I admit, but enough to get you through. You have seen despair, you have known pain, you have met anger. Make them your strength. Make them work for you when you need them to. It is the reason why I am here, is it not?"

I sighed as I acknowledged his words. The worst has yet to come, I thought. "Thanks, my friend. The walk has been inspiring. Now, I need to get going. Its almost time to pick up a few friends and find that 'mamak' which i know not of the whereabouts."

HD gave a short laugh. " There will be despair now, and despair in the future..but never lose sight of what you were aiming for. Leave the place spiritually but not physically. Let go of the ones you hold but only momentarily. For once you are gone, there is always a way back. There is no end to the road you choose. One way or another, you will return."

As I started my car, I recalled words from a certain book I read. 'I do not own the world, I merely follow the rules of the world'. I knew those words will come back to be a guide in my life. I just did not know of the tragedy that will happen in the coming days...

* * * * * * * * * *

I sat at the table beside the window of the new coffee shop that opened in the hospital which my father was going for his radiotherapy. My heart was gently swaying with delight and despair both mixed together rather evenly. As i sipped on my coffee, he came.

"Congrats, i suppose.."HD said as he sat on the chair opposite me "All the work paid off in the end, am I right?" I took a while to respond to that. Truthfully speaking, I was not entirely pleased with my results of 2A*'s and 2A's.

"I could have done better," I said "I have friends who did better than me..friends who I could hold my own against.."

"There are times where people fall..and times where people rise. Not everyone may rise to one specific occasion. The only thing you can do is to go forward and get on with the next step. I feel that your results are okay. I, too, might have your feelings if I had to go through this.

But therein lies the difference.

I did not take the exam. I know the questions but not your emotions as you weathered through them. I cannot say for sure, that your best was really your best. I cannot say for sure that there was more to what you have gained. I can only say this.

You have done what you can. That's all there is to it. If you have time to be worrying about the past,you have time to care about the future."

As usual, HD's words were the truth. Wallowing in the depths of despair of what you could have got was not what I should be doing. Moving forward.. now that's the better option.

HD looked at me for a moment before getting up. "I better get going. There are things I have to attend to. Your father is calling for you. Now, enjoy your day."

As HD left and I went to get my father, I recalled another quote; 'What does not kill you only makes you stronger'. A-Levels did not kill me. If I could get through this, I can and will get through whatever comes in my way.

Or so i thought.

* * * * * * * * * *

Waking up from my sleep on a Saturday morning at 10.30am, after staying awake until 3.00am, I opened my Facebook account to see a message from two of my friends. I could only comprehend one word.

Rejected.

I opened my Gmail account and the email was there. As i stared at the monitor for a whole minute, reading the email, it was as though my heart stopped. And then, I did something unexpected.

I laughed.

It wasn't a laugh of happiness. It was not a laugh of lunacy. It was just unexpected laughter. 'Your application was unsuccessful'. I stared at that line for a moment and reality crashed in.

"Shit," was all I said. It took a while for me to get through the pain of missing out on one of the most prestigious universities in the world. But, as I closed the chapter of that day, I recalled yet another quote..'This is the ups and downs of life.Get used to it'..

Ah, the bliss of despair..As it welled inside me, the other me which I kept shackled howled sadly in the night.

For all the pain, there is much to gain,

For all the suffering, there is much to obtain,

For all the memories, there is much to see,

For all the moments, this is what you can be.

CCW

What Word?

2011-08-10T05:40:00.000-07:00

I am currently in a dilemma.

I find myself in need of a word. A word to describe how I feel right now. Despite the fact that my results are to be known in less than 12 hours, 'nervous' is not the only feeling I have right now. I am also torn between rage, irritation, despair and extreme pain.

I have known this person for a very long time.

Longer, in fact, than I would ever dream of. You could say that this person has been such a major influence to my life that I would not be who I am if it were not for this person.

For a long time, I had placed my trust on this person. I had live and grew up with respect to this person. Everything that person says, I take as advice. Everything that person does, I take as an example. Until a few years ago. I realized that our thoughts were different. I could not follow that person anymore. And yet, by contract, I was 'bounded' to this person. Like a dog to a leash. I could only whine helplessly for escape. However, I did have my say in several things. But every time I had my say, there was that uneasy look on the face of that person. A look that suggests that I had to do it using that person's method.

I thought I could withstand that.

I thought I could just be patient and await the day my contract ended.

But, the torment starts to become unbearingly painful. Every minor mistake, every misstep, I was awarded with knives to my heart. Every minute of life near that person was like bathing in the flames of Hell.

I cannot say I am sick of it. There was no way I could get through everyday if I kept being sick about it. I did one of the most cowardly thing one could do.

I took everything in.

I accepted every barrage of insults that ensued.
I forgave the person and instead piled all the blame on myself.

I convinced myself that everything that happened was entirely my fault.

I thought I could survive with that mentality.

Funny how it took just one whole statement to ruin the barrier that I created.

What would you do if someone regretted your existence?

What would you do if someone regretted the existence of someone who is in a blood relation with you?

How would you feel?

What would you do if someone told you that you are destined to fail in everything you do?

What would you do if every part of yourself were condemned?

How would you feel?

I thought I could use the anger as a catalyst for fueling my own strength. It was not to be. Even the evil side of myself could not withstand the brunt of these attacks. I began to thirst for blood. It took all my self-control to restrain myself from exploding. I imploded, crying silently in the dark.

So what is the word to describe how I feel right now?

Is it frustration? Is it indignation? Is it resignation to life as it is?

I do not know.

And I need an answer fast.

I'm losing my grip...

CCW

Butterflies In My Stomach

2011-08-09T05:09:00.001-07:00

Yes.

I'm very nervous.

Why, you ask?

In two days, at 7.15am when I wake up, I will be in front of the computer with the A2 results portal displayed on the monitor. I will type in my username and password and what comes out will determine my next stage in life. Interestingly, the aftermath boils down to three paths..

Path 1 - Good results. NTU offers..I get a scholarship and I study my ass out in Singapore, working there once I graduate

Path 2 - Good, but not good enough.. NTU offers, I either obtain a government loan or I study in Nottingham University in Malaysia

Path 3 - Pathetic results..Well, I rather not imagine what I have to go through if I get this..

Despite me saying that, I am worried. I knew I did not do very well in most of my papers. I screwed Paper 5 for both Physics and Chemistry. I was mentally disturbed during Further Maths Paper 1 [got the news that my father had cancer the day before].

I know that my AS results might help me pull my marks up but still, the bulk is in A2.. I'm scared I won't do good enough. I really want to study in NTU. Not because its Singapore but because I want a change in environment. As well as, trying to be independent and not to be bothered by some people that I probably shouldn't mention here. I can't back down now. I can't turn back the clock to fix what's wrong.

I can only hope. Hope that I get the results I need.

Hope.

Funny how I have to depend on something so superstitious as that for this period of time.

Whatever comes, I will take it.

For good or for bad, its done.

CCW

One Man's Perception Truly Is Another Man's Confusion

2011-08-04T04:57:00.000-07:00

Everybody has had an argument before. I'm very sure of that. Whether it is an argument with yourself, your conscience or with someone else, I am positive everyone has argued before. What does an argument lead to?

This?

Or this?

Which do you prefer?

Would you prefer an argument that ends with each side battling it out physically to prove his or her point? Or do you prefer an argument that ends with each side reconciling their differences and reaching a compromise?

Whether it ends with violence or peace, the end of an argument is usually the same. USUALLY. As I mentioned above, you can end an argument by forcing your opinion to be accepted or you could try to reconcile and reach a certain agreement.

But, the world is not that sweet.

The world is not filled with people that can think like that. Those are mere stereotypes. There are so many different traits in a person that not every person share the same mentality. You might meet a few who could easily take an argument likely, make it enjoyable and reach a conclusion with time for a drink. BUT. You will also meet people with not enough sense to see an end to an argument. They would deny the obvious, preferring instead to prove their own illogical reasoning and as you very well know, end up in fist-throwing.

Either way, arguments are a part of out lives. Arguments pave way to innovation and the voicing of a variety of thoughts. Arguments open the mind to more options, more than you can generate by just brain-storming alone. I do not say that arguments should be a part of our daily life. I am saying that people should not take arguments as something like a poison and try avoiding it. One can easily gain a lot from arguments.

Take for example, a person who is in need of mixed opinions. All that person needs to do is to set a premise and expand from there. Anyone who does not agree to the premise may voice his or her opinion on the subject and an argument may ensue. Of course, a friendly one hopefully.

What I am trying to say is...

Arguments essentially created the present that is now. Without arguments, heated or not, the human generation may not have discovered most of the technology that we have today. A debate over what is more economical, a slightly heated exchange over which would bring more profit..all this are the base to a brighter future.

There are, however, baseless arguments among the otherwise meaningful arguments. What do we do to those meaningless debates? Ignore them? Dispose them? No, we shall take those into consideration and learn from our mistakes that such arguments are senseless and do nothing to aid us in life.

That said, I myself believe that arguments help shape a person. An argument with your conscience (however nonsensical it may sound, is actually a valid argument) can help you in your conquest of doing what is right, what is best for a situation and what is wrong.

So, live with arguments..whether you like it or not. Because sooner or later, you will get into one yourself.

CCW

1+1+1+1=4? There Shouldn't Be So Many!!

2011-08-02T03:53:00.000-07:00

As one who loves cars, there is one thing that scares me more than anything else; getting involved in a car accident. Yes. The very thing that frightens me not because I drive an expensive car but because of the mess i have to go through. So far, I'm sad to say that I have got into not one, not two, not three but four accidents.

Four, you say?

Four?

You fucking serious?

Thats kinda pushing it to the limits, init?

After all the trouble you have been through on the first accident, you got yourself into three more? How many more accidents do you want to get into before you can stop getting yourself into one?

I'm guessing that's probably what's going on in all your minds right now.

And, truthfully, I'm thinking the exact same thing.

*Heaves a big sigh as though preparing to divulge a great tale*

(Cue to emo music from Fairy Tail)

I better start from the beginning...

I obtained my P license with no pressure, all the while practicing with my mother's car(which is my current car after she bought a new one). It all seemed well until I got into my first accident.

The first accident was rather ambiguous but it was still ultimately my fault. I couldn't brake in time and hit my car to a lorry.

Repair costs: RM2k ++

I though that was the end of my worries. For two days, I drove carefully, paranoia getting the better of me. I would brake a few meters away just to be safe. Then, I reversed my car into another person's car. I shamefully admit that it was a hit and run. My car had a slight dent at the right back side and the other car's rear bumper came off. I was awash with guilt for two whole weeks, wondering if I could have done anything. I did the worst thing as a human.

I slept soundly with no remorse after that.

I guess retribution has its ways of reaching to me.

I got into yet another accident two months after that. This time a bus grazed my left side. Well, graze would have been so much nicer compared to the real situation. My whole left side was torn apart. When at first my mother told me that it was the bus driver's fault, she quickly, I repeat, quickly, changed her mind when my father came home and accessed the situation.

Repair costs:Rm1k+

I was destroyed at that time. I vividly recalled being extremely depressed. It was during the AS exam trials so I was supposed to go to college to study. I recall only confiding to Saadeesh, leaving my friends (Theresa, Kun Eng, Zing Wen and Shu Peih, my usual study group members) in the dark. It wasn't until the next day that I could talk to them. But the pain was there. The hurt that left a scar in my heart (thankfully not on the exterior, as my mother likes to insult, I have no more clear skin left on my outside to have any more scars) reminds me of the unnecessary mess that I have got myself into just because I was careless on the road.

From then on, I vowed not to get into anymore accidents. I told myself to be more careful on the road. I literally practiced driving everyday, taking every opportunity to drive, learning more of the roads. Even during the end of my course, which ended last two months, I still drove around, half of it due to the fact that my father was in the hospital recuperating from the cancer removal operation(an operation known as the 'commando' surgery). I would drive down to the KL hospital my father was in and when he was discharged, drove him to that hospital every weekday for his radio and chemo. I thought I would be fine since he did advise me on my driving skills. (I still dislike him putting the radio at such a low volume -.-)

Then, today, tragedy struck.

Take one

Take two

Take three

Pain

Here's what happened.

It was 5.40 and all the Seafield students were leaving, school ending early due to the fasting month of Ramadhan. I made a mistake of having to weather through the congested area of the school to fetch my brother from tuition. The car in front of me inched forward as did I. I had planned to turn left, signalling and was already on the move when a student on a bicycle came speeding though the gap. And who should he meet?

Unlucky ol' me.

WHAM.

I hit the kid and the kid slammed is bike on my car (T.T my car!!!).. Panicking, I couldn't brake and my car moved forward for a good whole meter before my second half kicks in and brake. I couldn't believe my eyes. His bike was in good shape, he was unharmed (Thank God) but my car!! THERE WAS A FUCKING HUGE DENT ON THE CAR!!! GODDAMNIT!!!

To think i would have gotten better at driving, here's the unlucky stroke of brilliance I had and KABOOM!!

My car is in the dumps.

I'm not even half way through my life experience of driving and I've gotten myself in FOUR, FOUR, FOUR!!! accidents.

I wonder how bad my life will become if i take this into statistical consideration.

*Heaves another great sigh*

My only wish now is to get into NTU where I plan to work for at least 10 years ( 4 when i'm still studying, 3 due to the tuition grant and another 3 if i'm accepting government loan ). Hopefully, I can save money from that for future usage.

*Heaves yet another great sigh*

This is the beginning of university life, i guess..

CCW

Only a 'Jaguh Kampung'

2011-07-25T05:30:00.000-07:00

If there was a word to describe how my stint in Penang went, it was this.

Pathetic.

I was like the suicide bomber there..except the bomb exploded before i can reach anybody else..

I am talking, of course, about my recent participation in the MSA Nationals 2011 in Penang. Fresh from winning the Subang Scrabble Challenge the week before, I thought I would try my luck in the Nationals in the hope of earning more money. The RM400 that I gained from my winnings was used to fund my trip to Penang.

And what a despair it was.

First, I booked my hotel stay at the wrong date and only realized it two days before I was supposed to head up to Penang. Then, I had to rush and pack up my things for Penang.

Well, at least the trip down was rather nice. I followed Ramaraj's family to Penang and we stayed at the same hotel; Copthorne Orchid Hotel Penang.

The hotel room was nice too.

Here are some pictures of the hotel room i was staying in.. Coincidentally, my room was 1802, my exam number..

The room door number :P

The door -.-

The bed..I had the whole bed to myself since i'm living alone

Nice..I left my teaspoon there though...

The corridor.. its actually a very nice hotel all in all..

I have no SS skills..

So, that was the hotel..

We come to the games.. I had planned to take photos of all the games i had played...but i was too depressed after each game to bother taking them..There are some though..

Game 1.

CCW vs Lim Sha Lyn [Win 419-375]

Current status - 1/0 Bingoes - 3/3 S's - 3/3 Blanks - 2/2

In this game, i missed WOMANISE, TANGELOS and COAGENTS as well as phoneyed GAUSSED..correct was DEGAUSS.

Game 2.

CCW vs Ng Chee Eng [Lose 318-436]

Current status - 1/1 Bingoes - 1/4 S's - 2/5 Blanks - 1/3

Played badly.. Missed INVESTOR, RIVIERAS, ANNECTENT, CONATURE, ENCURTAIN, CONNATE, CANDENT, NASCENT, PRIVADO and VIDENDA.. terrible..

Game 3.

Pui Cheng Wui vs CCW [Win 532-423]

Current status - 2/1 Bingoes - 5/9 S's - 3/8 Blanks - 2/5

Despite playing 5 bingoes, I still missed many bingoes.. my first rack of AEELMRT had LAMETER, ATREMBLE, MATERIEL, REALTIME, EREMITAL, LAMENTER and TELEGRAM from his first move of BLING.. I also missed FLAVINES, TESTRILL, TESTRILS and KLISTER albeit bingoing BARONET, STERLING, HEJIRAS, SEWERAGE and OUTSHINE.

Game 4.

Martin Teo vs CCW [Lose 349-396]

Current status - 2/2 Bingoes - 1/10 S's - 3/11 Blanks - 1/6

Made a wrong judgement in the endgame which did not help me in reducing my spread. Missed the hook of WIRRA to make WIRRAH.

Game 5.

CCW vs Yeap Gim Sai [Win 466-327]

Current status - 3/2 Bingoes - 3/13 S's - 3/14 Blanks - 1/7

Played fairly okay in this game. Missed words like KAIZEN, HORME and MERCH for higher-scoring moves..

Game 6

Muhammad Ali vs CCW [Win 475-309]

Current status - 4/2 Bingoes - 2/15 S's - 1/15 Blanks - 2/9

First time i got both blanks in the same rack..and last time i guess..Chickened out of REEDSTOP which I was 75% sure..Bingoed POTTERED though.. Missed HOWFF, FANWORT, ANTIFUR and OUTSPREAD.

Game 7

CCW vs Aaron Chong [Lose 407-442]

Current status - 4/3 Bingoes - 2/17 S's - 2/17 Blanks - 1/10

Played a very bad move in this game..choosing not to block the only bingo spot, I opened another spot to get hit with OREADES, causing me to lose the game. Missed the beautiful ALKOXIDE.

Game 8

Ramaraj vs CCW [Lose 333-450]

Current status - 4/4 Bingoes - 1/18 S's - 2/19 Blanks - 0/10

Bad luck here.. Missed BELEAPT and MAUNGIER.. Ram changed to bingo twice and took the two blanks.. really not my game..

Game 9

Jocelyn Lor vs CCW [Lose 345-435]

Current status - 4/5 Bingoes - 1/19 S's - 2/21 Blanks - 0/10

I had a first turn CARMINES for 95 which I should have thought longer and played CREMAINS, a much safer move. I missed SALVIFIC, RITTERS, TERRITS, ARBORES and BRASERO..talk about losing a game after missing simple words like that.

Game 10

Zeenath Ariff vs CCW [Win 446-408]

Current status - 5/5 Bingoes - 3/22 S's - 1/22 Blanks - 2/12

Thought i had an easy game.. but it wasn't to be. Missed CANTRAIP and RADDING.

Game 11

CCW vs Alex Tan [Lose 376-439]

Current status - 5/6 Bingoes - 1/20 S's - 2/23 Blanks - 1/13

I think i'll remember this game vividly. Imagine changing thrice in a single game. That was how bad my tiles were. In all due fairness, Alex played well in this game.

Game 12

Sean Chung vs CCW [Lose 417-437]

Current status - 5/7 Bingoes - 2/21 S's - 0/23 Blanks - 1/14

Its his revenge. I think this game goes to the one with the better set of end game tiles.

Game 13

CCW vs John Lam [Win 507-315]

Current status - 6/7 Bingoes - 3/24 S's - 4/27 Blanks - 1/15

My second time I beat him. By a big spread at that. Had quite good tiles. I made sure i scored consistently with my rack. I believed this and the game earlier against Pui were the only two games which I played my best in this tournament.

Game 14

Sean Chung vs CCW [Lose 358-429]

Current status - 6/8 Bingoes - 3/27 S's - 4/31 Blanks - 1/16

After bingoing 3 times in a row, my tiles became inconsistent. I could not score with the racks I had while Sean had balanced racks and was able to take the lead with his last minute bingo and a high scoring play.

Game 15

CCW vs Sreepathy [Win 448-355]

Current status - 7/8 Bingoes - 2/29 S's - 3/34 Blanks - 1/17

Played okay. Nearly missed the bingo for ADENNORT [NONRATED].. finally managed to play SUIVEZ in a tournament.

I'm getting too depressed talking about my games. Here are the final two.

Game 16

CCW vs Pui Cheng Wui [Lose 341-407]

Current status - 7/9 Bingoes - 1/30 S's - 4/38 Blanks - 1/18

Game 17

Yeap Gim Sai vs CCW [ Win 408-323]

Current status - 8/9 Bingoes - 2/31 S's - 2/40 Blanks - 1/19

So in the end, i was eleventh..very dismal performance by someone who just won a tournament barely a week before. Aaron Chong went on to win the tournament, showing grit to get the better of Khoo Beng Way. As a result, Aaron Chong and Yeo Kien Hung will lead the pack of hopeful Malaysians in the upcoming World Scrabble Championship which will be held in Warsaw, Poland. I wish them both all the best in the tournament. May they be in top form there.

On another note, it would seem that my top ten rank which I've just gotten after winning the previous tournament will disappear gloriously in smoke after this abysmal tournament. I would expect a deplete in rating by the same amount I gained before this.

Am I all that sad though? Penang was a worthwhile trip. Aside from the tournament, I enjoyed food that I can never hope to get back in Subang. There are two restaurants which I would like to point out and I urge anyone who has not tried them, to give it a shot.

First

Seafood..many nice XD

The restaurant, Bali Hai Seafood Restaurant

An outdoor restaurant located in Gurney Drive is a very good restaurant with good food. Here is the website. http://www.balihaiseafood.com/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1

I went there with Ram's family and I really have to thank them for this one. At the same time as we were eating, the Singapore vs Malaysia football game was going on. Its really depressing to sit there for the first two minutes to watch Singapore score twice in rapid succession to bring the match to 4-1 at halftime. But the food! It was awesome. Honey chicken, Kai Lan, Assam Red Grouper, Claypot Homemade Tofu and Fuyong Egg with prawns were scrumptious. It did manage to take my mind off the games for a moment.

Second.

The front door to the restaurant, Salsas

Nice, isn't it?

Neat and elegant

The dessert is small and delicious

This is the Salsas, a restaurant located in Continental Hotel but its actually a standalone restaurant, having no affiliations with the hotel. The restaurant only serves set meals to increase efficiency and the food is excellent. There are set meals at different prices, arranged neatly in a menu. The manager is a very young, well-mannered lady, enough to earn many praises from Pui Cheng Wui, whom i was eating together with. (Yeo Kien Hung, Pui and me went for lunch here on the last day). It is just a stone's throwaway from City Bayview Hotel, the venue of our tournament and apparently, according to Henry[Yeo Kien Hung], this is Cheah's favourite restaurant in Penang.

I am satisfied on making the trip up to Penang. I have learnt many new things here as well as gained further experience in my games. I may be performing badly now, but two years from now, I promise I will be better.

A special thanks goes to the Sundraraj family who has helped me make my trip to Penang a very enjoyable one. I apologize if I have done anything rash during the stay in Penang. It has been a nice trip and certainly, one which I will not regret.

CCW

Silence

2011-07-16T08:20:00.001-07:00

And then, there was none,

No sound, just movement, slick,

And then, it was gone,

Quiet, just whisperings, weak,

The unsettling silence, empty,

The momentary quiet, slowly,

There was no sound, no one spoke,

There was no one about,

Eerie, disturbingly, quietly,

Dreamily, pin-drop silently,

The silence that descends,

Human senses that ascends,

As though you are alone,

As though there is no one,

Pin drops, you stop, your throat stuck,

The silence as you scream in the dark.

Reaching The Top..At Last

2011-07-14T06:22:00.001-07:00

During the Chinese New Year tournament in Berjaya last year(2010), I had the chance of winning the tournament with one game ahead of the pack. Then, I faced Alex Tan in the last two rounds. Result? I lost both the matches and finally i had to settle for third place. After that mistake, I never got close to winning anymore tournaments, the nearest being seventh place in the recent ASTAR tournament.

Until now.

On the 9th of July, K.Sundraraj (father of my Scrabble mentor) organised the Subang Scrabble Challenge for the second year running. It was a great tournament as the number of participants doubled the amount from the previous Subang Scrabble Challenge. In the Open Division, more Scrabble whizzes pitted their wits against each other. Even Australian Scrabble players, the Richards family, came to support the event. The event also witness the return of former World Youth runner-up Sean Chung, as well as the usual Scrabble masters like veterans Pui Cheng Wui, Tan Jin Chor, Jocelyn Lor and rising youngsters Khoo Beng Way, Ramaraj and William Kang.

After 15 grueling games, yours truly emerged the winner of the tournament winning 11 out of the 15 with +585 spread, one game ahead of 2nd place Khoo Beng Way and 3rd place Pui Cheng Wui. Truth be told, I had absolutely no idea how I managed to claw my way back from 7th place after round 9 to lead the table.

But, more of that later. For now, here are the games i played.

Game 1. Kang Eng Lee vs CCW [ Win 513-323]

Bingoes played - SIDERAL, UNICORN, REAMIER

Bingoes against - AWAItERS

Current status - 1/0 Bingoes - 3/3 S's - 3/3 Blanks - 0/0

My only mistake for this game is not playing REREMAI instead of REAMIER which would have scored more.

Game 2. CCW vs Martin Teo [Win 455-304]

Bingoes played - MEANIES, LEPROSE

Bingoes against - TReNTALS

Current status - 2/0 Bingoes - 2/5 S's - 3/6 Blanks - 1/1

PUCInG is not a word, could have done CUING, CAY and AR which scores more. Martin missed the hook for IZAR (making IZARD) and therefore lost the chance of closing the spread with his last-minute bingo rack CDDELRU. #1.Can you spot the bingo? (There are 3..and all fit)

Game 3. CCW vs Khoo Beng Way [Lost 306-497]

Bingoes played -

Bingoes against - INVOICES, EVAsION, FORMATE

Current status - 2/1 Bingoes - 0/5 S's - 2/8 Blanks - 0/1

RERANK, my starting play is a non-word. Had I not played it (I had AEEKNRR, my original plan was ERK keeping AENR, a high bingo-probable rack leave), I would not have been hit with the successive INVOICES and EVAsION and the game might have went differently. I missed two bingoes here with the rack AEHLOPT, opting instead to play HOP. [Bingoes were TAPHOLE and PLETHORA hooking the first R of RERANK]

Game 4. CCW vs Pui Cheng Wui [Lost 421-447]

Bingoes played - HELiPAD, SOLATED, LITERATO

Bingoes against - STEEPING, ARAbIZE

Current status - 2/2 Bingoes - 3/8 S's - 2/10 Blanks - 1/2

A game full of mistakes. I missed two easy bingoes with my beginning rack of AEIIMP? (IMPErIA and lIPEMIA) and chickened out of PLAsHED on the next move. I think the game might have been in my favour if I had played something at the top right corner, preventing his 49 point VEXT move. But, this was a hard game to see.

Game 5. Jocelyn Lor vs CCW [Lost 325-468]

Bingoes played - WARIEST

Bingoes against - BANTING, MARBLEs

Current status - 2/3 Bingoes - 1/9 S's - 3/13 Blanks - 0/2

Another game full of mistake. Phoneyed twice which resulted in me losing the chance to bingo.

Bingoes missed - BODGIEST, DISSEAT, SAIDEST, STAIDEST

After this game, I had very little confidence of making it into the top 3, knowing that I only could afford to lost only one more game.

Game 6. Tengku Asri vs CCW [Won 509-369]

Bingoes played - PETIOLES, AGISTED, DESYAtIN

Bingoes against - TINNERS

Current status - 3/3 Bingoes - 3/12 S's - 3/16 Blanks - 1/3

A convincing victory but yet again, I missed a first-turn bingo of CURARINE. I played DESYAtIN instead of opting for cYANIDES because I've always wanted to play DESYATIN in a tournament game. Missed good plays like KITTUL, DUETTI and CURLI

Game 7. Sean Chung vs CCW [Win 410-366]

Bingoes played - vEINULET, VOLUmES

Bingoes against - ACTINITE(phoney! X.X)

Current status - 4/3 Bingoes - 2/14 S's - 1/17 Blanks - 2/5

Missed a first turn bingo AGAIN with the tiles EEILTU?, phoneying with pETULINE which was challenged off. Missed dILUTEE, UNBORNE which was the best play. It was a lost game but Sean's mistake of phoneying SAUS to block my open bingo line allowed me to clinch the point with a last-minute bingo. Incidentally, his rack of AINOSSU had SANIOUS and SAUSION which was the doom of me. Thankfully, he did not spot the bingos and instead phoneyed, giving me the winning bingo.

Game 8. Cedric Stewart Lewis vs CCW [Win 481-474]

Bingoes played - REHEATS, ARRIvING, SMALLEST

Bingoes against - REVOTING, NEOBLAST, DIVINITY, SIrENIAN

Current status - 5/3 Bingoes - 3/17 S's - 2/19 Blanks - 1/6

Very close game, with Cedric playing very unique bingoes, playing NEOBLAST and DIVINITY consecutively. Missed QUIPSTER when I played QUOP but oh well, at least, i bingoed after that.

That was the end of Day 1. With 5 wins, i was at 7th place and my next game was against Tan Jin Chor. To those that do not know, Tan Jin Chor is actually the actor of the Malaysia sitcom Kopitiam back in 1997. My record against him is fairly even, I think we have played about 8 games in tournaments and each have a share in losses and triumphs over one another. Still, he is not a player to be taken lightly. At the end of Day 1, William Kang holds pole position with 7 wins, only losing his first game to Sean Chung. Trailing closely are Khoo Beng Way, Tan Jin Chor and Ramaraj, all on 6 wins.

And we move on to the next day.

Game 9. Tan Jin Chor vs CCW [Lose 335-450]

Bingoes played -

Bingoes against - TAENIAs, LOWEREd, PELOIDS

Current status - 5/4 Bingoes - 0/17 S's - 1/20 Blanks - 0/6

A very bad game with terrible tiles. Fun fact, 90% of my moves are best moves after I analyzed my game with Quackle, a Scrabble simulation program. Jin Chor missed a 100 point bingo when he played PELOIDS, missing SOLIPED, LI, OP, WE, RED at C13. I have lost 4 games now. The only way of breaking into the top three is by winning all of my next 6 games. Shall we proceed?

Game 10. CCW vs Karen Richards [Win 479-420]

Bingoes played - BRISKENS, DECAYERS, aWARDER

Bingoes against - LEOTARD, DEvIATED

Current status - 6/4 Bingoes - 3/20 S's - 4/24 Blanks - 1/7

Quite an okay game in my opinion. Learnt BRISKENS from Cheah when he played the move against Ramaraj during the 2008 Penang ICT. Wasn't sure it took an S though. Was very lucky to hold the last D for hooking DJINS, without which I would have not bingoed at the final moment to win the game.

Game 11. CCW vs Sean Chung [Win 407-310]

Bingoes played - ThRONING, INSNARER

Bingoes against -

Current status - 7/4 Bingoes - 2/22 S's - 2/26 Blanks - 1/8

Sean phoneyed twice in the beginning with EMF(was valid in the old dictionary) and UMBU(probably confused with UMBO and OMBU). I missed 3 bingoes before ThRONING; CITRININ, TRINING and TINNIER. Chickened out of the latter two. Not a good game for Sean.

Game 12. William Kang vs CCW [Win 460-375]

Bingoes played - VOTARIES, RESTORE, oVERLIES

Bingoes against - CENTRaL, MESOLITE

Current status - 8/4 Bingoes - 3/25 S's - 3/29 Blanks - 1/9

A very bad game played by yours truly. First off, I phoneyed ADAY (mixed it up with ADAW). Then, i missed a double-double with AEIOSTV through the R. Can you guess it? #2 Missed TETRAPLA and RATTERS before settling with a low-scoring RESTORE. William phoneyed IMPLANED which I challenged off, thankfully.

Game 13. Alastair Richards vs CCW

Bingoes played - AVENIRS, SCANTEST

Bingoes against - CALOrIE

Current status - 9/4 Bingoes - 2/27 S's - 3/32 Blanks - 1/10

My first nine-timer in a tournament. Another badly played game. Phoneyed LUPE(must have mixed it up with tonnes of words) and EPUIRAS(Its EPEIRAS the anagram for this is UPRAISE and SPURIAE). Thankfully, i have better tiles after that. During the end game, Alastair could have won had he not played BA, leaving DE. Had he played AG, setting himself up for a 36 point DEB, i would have lost the game. On a happier note, 4 wins in a row! Can i go on?

Game 14. Alex Tan Ken Seng vs CCW

Bingoes played - POWnDING, DEITIES

Bingoes against - OUTGOES

Current status - 10/4 Bingoes - 2/29 S's - 1/34 Blanks - 2/12

My games with Alex have always been one-sided. None of the games were actually fair. If I had good tiles, I win. If not, I lose. Well, except for that game in Johor where I really should have challenged ABYED. This game, I missed my last-move bingo with the tiles AAENPR? #3 There's three and again all could fit. Alex phoneyed his last move bingo of CEEINOS(#4 whats the bingo?) at AMENES which is no good.

So, I've won 5 games in a row and i'm currently second. WTF?? Second-place?? I could hardly believe myself as I looked at the Round 15 pairings. I had managed to claw my way from 11th place after round 9 to be right behind the leader. And who is the leader? Well, after 3 rounds of playing each other, Pui Cheng Wui won 2 out of it against Khoo Beng Way to be at the top. And thus, the battle for the first prize was on. Pui Cheng Wui with 10 wins and 729 spread and me with 10 wins and 466 spread. Whoever wins will be crowned 2011 Subang Champion. Whoever loses will have to be content with third place. Very much deja vu for me as this was the case during my 2010 CNY tournament.

Game 15. Pui Cheng Wui vs CCW [Win 506-387]

Bingoes played - DEAERATe, AUDITED, STONIER

Bingoes against - YEASTING, SOFTENER

Current status - 11/4 Bingoes - 3/32 S's - 4/38 Blanks - 1/13

A very unhappy game for Pui Cheng Wui. Both of us missed nine-timers with our racks. I missed mine through the Y of YEASTING and instead played the double-double DEAERATe. I could have played BAYADEER or BAYADERE. Pui's niner was a very simple miss. Choosing instead to play SOFTENER, he had REFASTEN through the A of AUDITED which I played, the A at a very dangerous spot. I was lucky to have all the S's in the game albeit having to balance vowel-heavy racks for 3 turns.

And so, with the win, I was champion of the 2011 Subang Scrabble Challenge. RM400 and a nice trophy was in the bag.

Here's the results.

http://www.penster.com.my/standings.php?tou_path=archives%2F2011%2Fmasters%2F110709+-+Subang+Scrabble+Challenge+2011%2FSSC2011.TOU&section=OPEN&round=16&rank_limit=24

I will be heading to Penang for the MSA Nationals. Hopefully, I am able to improve my performance. For now, I am content with my winnings.

CCW

#1. CUDDLER, CURDLED, CRUDDLE

#2. VIATORES

#3 PARPANE, PREANAL, HANAPER

#4 SENECIO

Battle for Control

2011-07-07T07:32:00.000-07:00

I am not a person who is easily provoked. I am not a person who is easily brought to the point of snapping. Unlike the rest of my family members, I have the ability or trait to be very patient, even when heaps of insults are thrown at me. I have never snapped in front of anyone. At least, not for the time being. Every insult that was thrown at me was bearable. Even those that came out from the mouth of my enemies. I remained patient, taking it in, hopefully learning from those insults.

But.

All those times have their limits. Maybe I won’t snap now. Maybe not in the near future. I’m only 19. Who’s to say that I won’t snap when I turn 25? Who is to say that I won’t inherit the god-awful rage that my parents have? I am, essentially, only human. Humans are unpredictable. At times, it may seem that doing wrong may be the best thing to do. At times, it may seem as though you are in the wrong when others may see differently. At times, rage may be the best medicine, not laughter.

When will that time come?

I do not wish for rage to consume me. I do not wish to succumb to it and become a mindless savage whose only aim is to smash and scream and nothing in particular. I hate that. However, there are times when rage is absolute. There will be times when patience will not be a virtue and rage would ultimately be the solution.

I do not want that ending to happen. Not now. Not ever.

Are you sure about that?

Even as I convince myself that I can control myself, the other half of me chuckles snidely.

Are you sure you can continue taking such insults? I am the voice in your heart. I know your emotions. You may not show it but in your heart, everything is shown clearly. The crimson colour of fire. The sign of rage. You have it in your heart. Why not release it?

No. I will not express my anger on the exterior. Doing so during such a period of time would serve no purpose.

Then, what about in the years to come? Will you use the same reason you are using now? Patience and the desire to not disturb the peace in your life will only bring you more pain. You do not want to make a stand. You are done making your point? Bullshit.

You might be right. I may be a coward. I may give the same reason in the next 5 years. I will keep my wrath at bay. I do not plan on using it, nor do I plan to show it.

Right. So I guess your wrath is not fit for someone who is regretting you ever existed? Is your rage not fit for someone who insults not your actions, but your very self? Is it okay for someone who is seems to teach you a lesson in life but is in fact insulting you at the very core?

Enough. I do not wish to have this talk. For that somebody who thinks like that, there is no point in trying to make my point. There is no point in wasting my energy for something so trivial.

Trivial, you say? You might be okay with it. But you are outnumbered two to one. I am not okay with that. Neither is HD. You may think that such insults will not affect you. Think again. There is a reason why you created HD. There is a reason why you created a being that has no heart of his own. A being whose reasoning is based on the reasoning of reality itself. The fire will never stop burning, Andrew. As long as, your unsettling emotion lingers in your heart, the flame will keep going. Even if you can hide it, you know it is there. You know that we are always waiting for the chance to emerge.

Maybe it will not happen now. Maybe not in the near future. But someday, rage will beat me. One day, I will succumb to madness that is in my blood. But, for now, I shall leave it as it is. I am still in control. The blade has not struck. The blood bath has not commenced.

For now, there is peace.

CCW

Mixed Emotions

2011-06-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

It is said that humans have so many emotions that they do not even realize what they are actually feeling at any period of time. It is said that within anger, there is despair. Within hurt, there is befuddlement. Within chaos, there is peace.

What am I feeling now?

The empty darkness that slowly drains me?

The cloudy confusion that veils my understanding?

The dripping despair of the rain?

Or the unbearable swirl of rage in me?

How am I feeling now?

What am I supposed to feel?

You see, I am lost about how I am supposed to feel when someone drags you right down to the earth. Drag might be a bit inappropriate. Should I say beaten to the ground?

No.

There is not a word to describe the insults that were directed to me at the time when I do not want it. At the time when I am most susceptible to snap under the burden.

No one likes to be insulted right smack in the face..Maybe some people can live with that. But no one can possibly feel nothing from being insulted right down to the very core of your being. Even an entity that I create to ignore such remarks would not have withstand such a barrage.

I might be a bit more sensitive than I would like to be. I might overthink this. However, the main problem here is that I have no idea how should I feel in this moment.

This is not a normal insult session anymore. This is going beyond the realms of insults. It feels as though I've been stabbed over and over again with a knife so blunt that a huge amount of force is needed so that it can stab me. Hell, being literally stabbed would have been less painful.

How would you feel if you are being so lowly thought of that you are actually being regretted upon existing? How would you feel when the pillar that you thought would support you, crumbles without you even hitting it? What would you do if you were branded a failure in life, that you cannot move forward? How would you feel being overgeneralized?

I do not know.

I would not be asking if I had known.

It is not despair. It is not something I can use as my strength. It is not anger. It is not something I can hold in. It is not emptiness. It is not something that leaves a hole in heart.

This mixed emotions is a mystery to me.

I will find out what it is.

Soon.

Hopefully.

If I continue living.

CCW

An Update In Life

2011-06-26T23:26:00.000-07:00

Yes. It is an update in life. An update of what has transpired in the past weeks.

First and foremost, I am proud to be the owner of a new laptop. Its a Dell Inspiron 15R

Specs

1. 8GB RAM

2. 500GB HD

3. Nvidia Geforce 1GB Graphics Card

4. Second Generation i7 Processor

5. Windows 7 Home Premium

Suffice to say that it is awesome [I noticed i've been using this word very often in these weeks.]

Shiny blue..nice colour

Very nice, i must say

All in all, it costs RM2819..and it is very cheap, considering the fact that it has an i7 processor. Mum bought it in Lowyat after we looked at a few models. This was the cheapest with the best specs though I have a hunch that we could have lowered the price a bit more.

That is one.

This is another.

I am happy to say that my dad is cleared to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow (28 June). The operation went very well, with a small bump in the post-op.

Which brings us to a topic which i would like to bring up and I hope someone can shed some light on this predicament.

What is the name of the problem whereby the food consume fails to flow into the digestive tract and instead flows into your lungs instead? I have tried researching it in the Internet but it was futile. Can someone give me a hint or explain the foresaid situation?

It was a problem my dad had after the operation.

That is another.

I realized I have not specifically said that I am driving now. Eversince getting my P licence, I have been an active driver, taking every opportunity to be in the car. By the way, I own a 1997 Honda City 1.3 Vtec.

My pride and my ride

14 years old and still rocking

Yes, you saw correctly. It is 14 years old and it is still magnificent[stopped myself from using awesome here]. It looks pretty new because its been well-kept. I shall not show the other side as there is a dent on that side(please don't ask X.X). My mother was the previous owner but this was given to me after she bought a new car. A new Honda City full spec.

This looks way better and meaner than mine :(

My family is a Honda family. We prefer Honda to Toyota though we did made a mistake of buying a Proton Iswara. When contemplating what car to get, my mum had three options;

1. Perodua Alza - A good car, but it was an MPV so my mum was not that keen.

2. Toyota Vios - This was Honda City's rival. But the looks is pathetic since undergoing a facelift(not sure if this is the word, should i say facedown?)

3. Perodua Myvi - An immediate reject when it reached the discussion table. There's too many on the road and my mum thinks its a bit too small.

In the end, the new Honda City caught her eye and she bought it after researching it in the showroom.

Personally, I would have suggested getting the new Proton Saga FL which was released about two months after she bought the new Honda City(Auto transmission with paddle shifters, a change in her life after driving manual for 30 years).

By the way, my car is a manual-transmission type which i got used to after 2 weeks. Sure, its a drag going up cliffs or getting stuck in jams, but I personally favour manual. You get to control the gear change and the pick-up speed is cool. My car might be an old car but I've managed to drive it quite stably and fast at that. Currently, its max I can take is 150km/h, just achieved 2 days ago. I plan to try and bring it to 170 in the near future but that might be a bit straining for the car. I'm literally floating when it went at 150 on the NPE.

Did I mention I'm having a car fetish?

Yes.

I'm in love with supercars, muscle cars, mod. cars, old drift cars. In short, I love cars.

I started loving cars after being introduced to the world of cars by my college friend, Saadeesh Gunasekaran who knows most of the cars that you see everyday and those that you can only see in showrooms.

And his dream car is...

This is a Mercedes SLR 722GT..the pride of Mercedes-Benz

And my dream car is..

This is an Aston Martin Virage..a 2012 production model

Unfortunately the Aston Martin is a long shot since it is EXPENSIVE. Fun fact, this car is supposedly the bridge that connects the tiny gap between the Aston Martin DBS (James Bond) and the Aston Martin DB9.

So, if this car is so expensive, what do I see myself having?

Well, i do like this car

Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X [rally car]

and these,

Mazda 6 (2011 Facelift 2.5L version)

Mazda RX7 (F&F Tokyo Drift)

Fine, even in the three, only the RX7 seems attainable.

I am currently bumming off after finishing my A-Levels course.

I am hoping to be accepted into Nanyang Technological University, Singapore to study either Chemistry or Materials Engineering. In the event of that failing, I have University of Nottingham Malaysia as an alternative.

I believe this concludes the chapter of my life updates (i am a very boring person when I'm alone).

I miss my college friends. The time we were together was not enough.

The next chapter- I shall go in depth about my college life.

CCW

Black Sheep

2011-06-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

Thats probably what's happening inside of me right now. The cold feeling of indifference. The hot feeling of rage that I've been trying to keep myself from having. Two forces forcing itself to fight inside of me. A seemingly heated, yet cold argument happening within me, trying to reach a conclusion.

What conclusion?

What am I trying to reach?

A solution to a problem that I myself know there would be no solution as long as I'm alive?

A solution to a problem that would never end as long as someone else is alive?

No.

That's not what I'm trying to find.

All I want to find is justification.

I want to justify that what I have done, what I will be doing..and what I am doing are preparations for my future. I want to justify that for the things I have done, I have done ultimately the best I can. Whatever order that was given, I had executed them to how I see fit.

No.

It was not how I see fit.

It was to how YOU saw fit.

I did exactly what I was told. Done what I've been ordered to do. Accomplished everything..never even once objecting.

NEVER even once declining an order, if it can even be declined at all.

And what do I get in return?

WHAT do I get in return?

Pain.

The building up of rage inside of me that I have to control so much and then expel it through unthinkable means.

That's what I get in return.

To a certain extent, I would agree that some of the pain you inflict may be beneficial for me in life. Maybe the insults you throw at me for the 4 hours that you actually see me are worth it. Maybe that would make you feel better.

I do nothing..nothing..but accept them.

I've learned ever since I turned 13, that there was no point in doing anything. Nothing seemed to work. Nothing.

I do not have the guts like my brother to turn on you.
I do not have the rage like my father to defy you.

I do not have the venom like my mother to confront you.

I'm the black sheep of the family.

I stand out..or should i say..I want to stand out.

I am uncomfortable with any of the guts, rage or venom from any of the above.

I prefer peace, which is why you don't get any, when you're me.

I'm just throwing out my anger here. Spilling my boiling blood over the computer because that's one of the only ways that I can actually catalyze my anger out of my system. I can never complain out loud. I could..but I wouldn't.

There's no point changing the unchangeable.

That much I've accepted.

"This is the hell which you are trying to cope with. A hell that would prepare you for the next hell"-HD

CCW

Pathetic

2011-06-10T18:37:00.000-07:00

Finally, the Malaysian government has snapped. Yep, they have finally reached a point where they must do the one thing that might incite a massive riot. Allow me to take the news from the newspaper.

'No more free downloads as MCMC blocks 10 file sharing sites

PETALING JAYA: In a bid to combat piracy, the Government has declared war on filesharing websites with 10 such websites now blocked by the telecommunications industry watchdog.

The websites were among the most visited sites by Malaysians to illegally download movies.

On May 30, Malaysian Communications and Multimedia Commission (MCMC) had written a letter to all Internet Service Providers (ISPs) ordering the block.

The letter was signed by Digital Security Services division acting seniordirector Eneng Faridah Iskandar.

The letter, which was leaked online, also stated that the websites were being blocked for breaching Section 41 of the Copyright Act 1987, which deals with pirated content.

An MCMC spokesperson confirmed the ban and said it was done on the request of the Domestic Trade, Co-operatives and Consumerism Ministry.

The ministry's enforcement division director-general Mohd Roslan Mahayudin confirmed that the request was made.

“It is standard procedure for the ministry to request MCMC to block sites that violate the Copyright Act 1987,” he told The Star.

Roslan said the ministry had requested that 19 websites, including the 10 listed in the letter, be blocked for violating the Act but added that it was up to MCMC to decide on which ones to block.

When asked about the fate of surfers who legally use the websites such as for storing non-pirated content, Mohd Roslan said they could always write to the ministry.

“Anyone who feels the ban is wrong can write to us and we will look into it,” he said.

Film maker Norman Abd Halim of KRU Studios said the move was long overdue.

“The unauthorised use of copyright work is destroying the industry. If everyone feels that works should be shared, then there is no value in these works,” he said.

Norman equated the move to South Korea's three-strikes law, where a person guilty of copyright infringement can have their Internet access suspended for six months.

However, irate users have vented their frustration by creating aFacebook page to protest.

By 8.30pm yesterday, there were 410 supporters who “liked” the page that was named “1M Malaysians Don't Want Block File Sharing Websites.”

FilesTube Media Search Engine, one of the sites ordered blocked, also commented on the page.

“We have posted information about this on our wall. We are with you.”

Before the page was put up, some Malaysians were already protesting via Twitter.

“You can't create a walled-up Internet garden,” read one tweet.

Some also made reference to the MSC Malaysia Bill of Guarantees which states that the Government will not censor the Internet.

MSC Malaysia is a national initiative that kicked off in 1996 and is aimed at transforming the nation into a knowledge-based economy.'

There you have it. Some people would be fuming at this. Some people would not. But, I can tell you this..I would expect 75% of the Malaysian citizens who are avid downloaders [we shall generalize downloaders here] to be very angry.

Why do I say that?

Look at the sites they have banned.

Look at number 2, 9 and 10. When I took up the paper today, the dreaded feeling was there. I have expected them to block ThePirateBay [aptly named, which proves that the Malaysian government only looks at the name and not check its contents] but I certainly did not expect them to block Filestube and Megaupload. For me, I would say that Filestube and Megaupload are two of the largest file-storing sites in the world. And the government is happily..let me repeat that, HAPPILY banning those sites.

Seriously, if the move was implemented to curb piracy, then this shows that the government has effectively ran out of all other options [brain disruption?] to curb piracy. This double-edged move, in fact, so double-edged its so dangerous I won't be surprised if the Parliament gets rioted, is such a completely pathetic move. Its like moving your king to center of the board during the mid-game of chess and hoping your opponent falls into your trap.. a trap that clearly says "This is a trap!".

Maybe I'm the only one feeling this way. Maybe I'm the only one uses Megaupload and ThePirateBay. Maybe I've no other options in downloading. But. But. This does not change the fact that this move is double-edged. If you read the article,

"When asked about the fate of surfers who legally use the websites such as for storing non-pirated content, Mohd Roslan said they could always write to the ministry.

“Anyone who feels the ban is wrong can write to us and we will look into it,” he said."

I don't know. Has anyone ever written to the Ministry and received anything else other than a letter saying 'We'll consider it and will look into it as soon as possible'? I'm not saying this is all that's happening. I'm saying this is the typical scenario. Do you know how much of a bother this puts into those who are "legally using the websites such as for storing non-pirated content"? Imagine the discomfort experienced by those who decide to check their file stores and realize that everything has been banned.

I'll leave the thought process to you guys to think about this ill-based move. With the government making bad moves every now and then, its no wonder piracy is never solved [I dunno. Inspira seems to be piracy at its best..and Spiderman managed to earn its reputation in Malaysia as a lizard].

What i would like to comment is this.

"Film maker Norman Abd Halim of KRU Studios said the move was long overdue.

“The unauthorised use of copyright work is destroying the industry. If everyone feels that works should be shared, then there is no value in these works,” he said.

Norman equated the move to South Korea's three-strikes law, where a person guilty of copyright infringement can have their Internet access suspended for six months."

I do not see any other country banning ThePirateBay because of the worry of copyright infringement. And, i would like to point out that if what you say is like that, then Proton Inspira has no value at all and Malaysia would do well in making works that are ACTUALLY original.

I've said my piece. Now, hopefully, something good in this might come out.

CCW

Very very Thin Line

2011-06-10T02:59:00.000-07:00

Did you know that between genius and madness is just a very very thin line?

Did you know that between being a fool and acting like one is just a very very thin line?

Did you know that between caring too much and being an annoyance is just a very very thin line?

Well, till today, I've found out all of the above.

But what I would like to delve in today is the second question.

Being a fool and acting like one are two different things. Entirely different things.

You are acting like a fool if you grumble about being lazy to buy bread from a convenience store that is just right in front of your eyes. You are being a fool if you don't even know the entrance to the convenience store.

You are being a fool if you do not answer your handphone after not one, not two but six times calling you. You are acting like a fool if you're telling me that you do not notice your handphone ringing because you were walking and not being able to feel the vibration.

You see?

Two nearly similar situations. But two entirely different things to describe the situations.

Why do i say that between being a fool and acting like one is just a very very thin line?

Because you can be both of them.

Without realizing, you can actually be a fool for one moment and act like one in the next.

Unbelievable?

Believe it.

The Right Choice

2011-06-07T03:23:00.000-07:00

We have seen how important making choices are. We have seen how it affects our lives. How one decision can bring forth so many chains of events that even one mistake can screw up an entire system of efforts.

But then, for each choice we make, the results, the aftermath must be taken into account. Are we making the right choice? Are we doing what is best? Are we choosing the astute course of action? Will the decision come back to haunt us in times to come? Everything, let me repeat it, everything, must be taken into account. Whatever actions we take, if we make a wrong move, there can be no turning back.

However, doing so is not an easy task. When i say everything, it isn't something that can be taken lightly. I really meant everything. Every nook, every corner must not be left unturned. Making the right choice means making sacrifices during certain times, some times even when you don't want to. Making the right choice means taking actions that is the best in the situation even if you detest it. Even if doesn't fit your desires.

Everyone will know what is the right choice is. Not everybody can make that choice. I'm not saying that those people are dim-witted. I'm saying this because making the right choice is that difficult. Picture yourself in a situation when you have an event to attend. An event would lead to a better future for you, your company and realizing your father's dream. Imagine receiving a call that your mother is lying sick in bed, hours from reaching the end of her life. Imagine only being able to be in only one of those places. What would you do? Risk the dream you have built for so long? Or risk the fact that you will never see your mother alive again? Simple, you say. You know which one you would choose.

But.

Imagine being in those shoes in reality. Making such a choice is not as easy as it seems. You would think you have it planned out. You would think you are able to make the right choice then.

Some can.

Most cannot.

Each of us has a drive within us that puts ourselves in the front of the line. Prioritizing our lives rather than the rest. What is important is how one manages that.

I cannot say I have seen myself in such a situation before. But, the time will come when each of us have a decision to make that will change our lives forever. For better of for worse, i shall leave that to the rest of you to decide.

The End Of A Chapter..The Journey Of Another..

2011-06-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

The end of my A-level course..the end of another chapter.

I honestly felt that this was the hardest chapter for me to conclude. There were too many things that I've attempted, too many things I've learnt, too many things I have endured.

Everything has an end.

In fact, 2010 and 2011 will be the two years I'll always remember for the rest of my life.

So many things..

Driving a car...and learning to speed..maneuvering..

Confessing..

Tragedies..

More agony..

All these are but the stepping stones in my life.

I'm regretting the ending of my course.

The new friends I've gained. The old ones that I still keep in touch.

Most of the experiences I've got.

Everything.

I'll remember every happiness and every pain I've been inflicted with.

The worst of it all being the fact that my father has gotten tongue cancer.

The fact that he has to undergo a 'commando surgery' next week.

The fact that he does not want to listen to advice when he needs it the most.

I'll remember all of this.

The suffering.

The admonishment.

The resentment.

The resolve that was never there..the resolve I had to shoulder.

Please, do not get me wrong.

I'm not saying this because I have no respect.

I'm saying this because I want to remember the fact that it happened.

Such a thing would not have happened if certain steps were taken.

It is too late now.

But not for me.

I'm better than him. That's a given. I will NOT succumb to the same problems.

I will be the last one standing.

And because of that, a new chapter begins.

A new journey lies before me.

A journey of pain, loss, despair and overwhelming fun.

I'm gonna love what's coming next.

Once again, I will let myself be engulfed by the wrath that is HD.

The person who will, has and is the better person.

The person who I've created from despair, rage and pain.

The person who is truly better.

As the page begins to flip, the pens of fate trembles..

What more is there to come?

What other despair shall we see?

What other pain shall be inflicted?

What other happiness shall shine?

Whose blood shall be spilt this time?

I do not know.

Fate does not need to know.

The pendulum continues its oscillation.

And so...

The journey shall commence.

CCW

The Last Day

2011-05-27T23:02:00.000-07:00

The Last Day

I pen this,

Not knowing if I should,

I write this,

With pain and with solitude,

I pen this,

As I remember the feeling,

I write this,

With the dark clouds descending.

In the room, all alone,

Musics and score playing their notes,

The eerie tunes chilling the bone,

The sounding echoes of every note,

I cannot run, I cannot hide,

I cannot deny what He provides,

The heavy burden is now mine,

To the darkness, I am confined.

Destiny plays,

The same song on and on,

Destiny conveys,

The same message all along,

Fate plays,

The cruel note on and on,

Fate conveys,

A message so forl0rn.

The clock above chimes,

Letting them know the time,

In the night, moon so bright,

Losing the fight, on this endless night,

I cannot run anymore,

The chill has reached my core,

Caged and trapped, all the while knowing,

That this night has no ending.

I pen this,

As the light shimmers and dims,

I write this,

With the strength remaining in my limbs,

I embrace death,

For it has come to take me away,

I welcome my last breath,

As it ends on the last day.

-HD-

Salva Nos, Deus

2011-05-19T01:54:00.001-07:00

I stood on the bridge that was above the highway,gazing at the setting sun. The red flames that were burning in the sky. The call I had received was not something I would want to hear again. Not now.Not ever. As I continued my gaze, another figure approached the bridge.

"Not going as well as it should be,huh?" ,the figure said. I looked at the face of the person. Pain was as he is, his face bearing the scars of suffering. Pain took out a cigarette and lighted it, offering me one. I shook my head as I returned to my gaze. Pain took a puff and sighed.

" I guess this is the end of the road..Our brothers shall not have to bear watching what is left to come. Anger and Envy had it lucky. They were able to see him."Pain said.

"Yeah, you guys had better not show yourselves to him. I doubt he would even accept my presence at the time being."I said. Pain snorted. "You are the closest to him, of course he would accept you. Just how many times have you helped him?" I looked at a speeding car that was doing well above the speed limit of the highway.

"He may seem as though he could take it but I guarantee he will snap in two days. Things like this are not meant to be kept inside."I muttered. "I wonder about that,"Pain said, "He's strong, I think he'll be studying now for his exam tomorrow. Despair has not quite showed himself. But.."

I knew what he was going to say without him finishing his sentence. It will only be a matter of time before he snaps. I have known him for nearly 5 years now, there is no way I am mistaking a sign like this.

19th of May. I took a glimpse at my handphone and etched the date in my head. This is yet another date to remember. A date where the countdown truly begins. The very day, when I, Henecran Dachgiwwing, am actually afraid of going near him. The day when he was left alone to wallow in the pool of darkness. Waiting for the end. But, never, i hope, giving up the hope that he has.

For what is to come, remains unknown,

For what has came, to be kept alone,

Tragedy and despair, both are the key,

There can be nothing compared, to this reality.

Dona nobis pacem

et salva nos a hostibus

Salva Nos, Deus

Dominus exaudi nos

Dominus miserere

Dona nobis pacem

Gloria, Sanctus

Silent Cries In The Dark

2011-05-17T02:58:00.000-07:00

I wonder how long has it been since I last cried. If I remember, it was not too long ago. I do however, know that I have rarely cried since getting through baby days. And if I do cry, it would always be for the same reason. Yes. The same reason that has always got me in a slump. The same reason that I had to depend on HD and my friends to help me get back on my feet.

It was always because of two people.

I would not want to disclose the names for fear of getting my ass hauled off. But, know this, these two people are the reason why the occasional rain falls in my heart. These people are the reason why i can always rein in my anger by sheer tolerance and self-beating.

And now, something else has come into play.

The clock of death has announced its presence. It appears, though in haziness, on one of the heads of these two people. The clock which shows the countdown.. the countdown to one's final breath. It appears but it has not fully materialize. Imagine the shock I had when I learnt the terrible predicament that befell onto the subject.

At first, I wallowed in despair. Though, this person has caused me to shed my tears, through responsibility and common sense, there is still that ounce of care left in me. I wonder, what would you feel like if someone close to you has a possibility of getting cancer? What would you do? How would you react? I felt despair. I felt depressed. No one would be happy if a person you are close to or having some sort of connection with contracts cancer.

However, my feelings of despair lasted only a mere week.

Why? I'm going to tell you why. By the end of the explanation, i would have relieved myself of a terrible weight. A weight that will continue to burden me for the rest of my life or at least until the weight has been disposed of. (For future reference, this person shall be named X)

X has contracted some sort of predicament that causes him to be unable to finish his food and keeps taking sick leave. A normal person would, after a week, consult a doctor to see if there is anything wrong. X waited 2 months. You read it right. 2 full months. Sure, he consulted a GP a few times, taken the antibiotics but seriously, one would have the sense to consult a specialist if the pain persists for TWO whole months, am i right?

Leaving that aside, a tantrum then occurred between these 2 people. And not just your ordinary tantrum. This time, it involved a broken plate and a flying plastic bag of rubbish. Imagine, a simple snide remark that caused that. It makes me wonder if my high tolerance is actually a very rare gift.

You might be wondering if the person had in fact consulted a specialist. He did, in one of the town's best hospitals. However, the results and tests which he went for are... to say the least, abysmal. Long story short, what is the point of consulting a specialist, when you are asking him to run a test on everything BUT not a test on whether you have indeed contracted cancer?

Foolish, you might say. And yes, I will very well agree with you.

However.

We are in the end, human. And humans have something which we call fear. And not just your average daily fear. It is the fear of facing reality. From now on, it is merely a deduction I make, which is not an astute conclusion but it more or less sums up the situation.

I believe that X is scared. Afraid of discovering the prospects of having cancer. So scared, it seems, that he would do nothing else to check, choosing instead to suffer for weeks long. I am not going to be someone who wants to poke his nose into somebody else's business but....

"What kind of fucked-up reasoning is that?"

Do you mean to actually say that you are scared of finding out that you have cancer in the early stages and that you are perfectly fine about knowing it when it is too late? No, you may protest. You may deny that. But that is reality. Why wait so long to do a check-up? Why waste time and money to force you to, finally do a proper check-up, 2 months after not recovering?

Why?

You might be scared of knowing the truth. You might have a bad record on family history, having some of your relatives die due to cancer. Still , why are you afraid? Are you indeed one who retreats when you see a small stone in your beloved straight road, choosing not to continue on your path,until someone kicks the small stone away from you? I might seem to be insulting your very being but think. Am i wrong??

Am I?

I do not understand this concept of fearing reality. Or maybe, its because I have discarded some of my fears. Discarded enough of them to know what is wrong and what is right. And to know what is the sensible action to take..

I have said enough. The subject pains me even when I'm just taking it out on myself.

If you think you are better off not knowing, I wouldn't stop you. Even when you are suffering, I would still provide the support that is my responsibility. I may not be who you want me to be but you have to live with that. I will be better than you.. no. I am better than you.

So, all i can do now, is hope that bad remains bad and not worse. Hope that the bad can be good. And hope that after all of this, you would reflect.

The pieces that come together perfectly in a seam,

The melody and tune that fits without any forceful means,

The music that flows, further enhances the scene,

As it goes, the Hymn To The Immortal Wind,

For all the things that I've already seen,

For all the memories I have within,

I sought more, and became better than I've been,

Forever more, the Hymn To The Immortal Wind

CCW

Failure and the Return of HD

2011-04-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

I could do nothing as I collected my trial exam results. There was a pit of darkness in my heart as i looked at the results. One word was enough to describe the results.

Atrocious.

Yes. Used even by two of my lecturers, my results were indeed atrocious. To think that I had sunk this low is unbearable. Imagine. Being at the top of your form, only stumble near the finale. It is hideous. The red marks that litter the question paper, the remarks so sharp, they cut through the very heart.

This was unacceptable.

This cannot continue.

I have slacked so much in the past year. Even my Advanced Subsidiary was inferior to so many other candidates.

This has to stop.

I have to regain what i lost in the past. I have to take back what I had unconsciously thrown away.

My concentration has depleted so much, its sickening. There's nothing to put the blame on. I'm the only one at fault. The chaos my family causes cannot be an excuse here. I barely even listen to them for starters.

It is time.

Time to bring back the one person who has been the stepping stone for my success.

Its time to bring back..

Black Days

2011-03-13T05:35:00.000-07:00

This is a poem i wrote about a guy i knew.. whatever happens, pls do not try this at home..its the routine statement..forgive me.

Black Days

The tree that stood tall and proud,

Bearing fruit that sang out loud,

Everything that has begun surely has to end,

It was whether it had done all it can,

Like the first page of a book, the story begins,

Starting with a memory, a recollection of scenes,

It builds the momentum to the top,

And like any other tale, it stops.

A black reminiscence, a dark past,

Painful thoughts that pierces the heart as it lasts,

His house, that he thought was a sanctuary,

Became his death, pain and agony,

He recalled the days of unreal peace,

He recalled the times he thought he missed,

But reality brought him back to the ground,

To where chaos struck all around,

A woman, screaming with unmatched anger,

A man, yelling with intense fury,

The woman, a flower that has began to wither,

The man, losing his grip on sanity,

For days and nights, his world was torn apart,

He felt the tremors, he ache in his heart,

He wanted to do something, anything,

But there was nothing, fear getting the better of him,

He remembered how the woman went on and on,

About regretting having a second son,

He remembered how cruel the man was,

Putting a price on his son just because,

He bore it within as the days go by,

Trying to hold back the tears, trying not to cry,

And then, a curtain of red, a black veil,

Flashes of silver, a chorus of wails.

The memory fades as he drew breath,

In a black cell, awaiting death,

His hands, tainted and bloody as ever,

The black days that will continue forever.

-HD-

Life, The Ugly Truth

2011-02-10T05:59:00.001-08:00

Life, The Ugly Truth

A sparkle on a child's face,

The innocence that shows without hindrance,

A grin on the child's face,

Oblivious of the ugly truth that he faces,

A benign smile from the old man,

Hiding the pain through the years he went,

A forced lift that reflects the pain,

As the darkened memories etch on the brain

What is a tree without its roots to hold on?

What is a person with no place to put his foot on?

Where is the peace when all you have is war?

Where is the warmth when we're chilled to the core?

This is the life that no one bothers to appreciate,

This is the reason why we can only suffocate,

We forgot our roots, we even forget we were once weak,

We remember nothing except the pleasures we seek.

All they ever wanted was to live,

Live in a world without worries,

All they ever wanted was to survive,

Survive in a world they cherish,

But it was never meant to be,

Their lives cut short by the monstrosity,

They can't run, they cannot hide,

All they can do, is hope and pray for God to provide.

This is the ugly truth that we carry,

This is the sad reality we are forced to live in,

For everything we do, for every action we take,

We know and realize that we have everything at stake,

This is the enormity that is our burden,

This is the weight we must shoulder,

For every choice we make, and every decision taken,

This is the ugly truth that we have created.

-HD-

An Idea from CNY visitings

2011-02-04T03:38:00.001-08:00

I got this idea after a visit to my mum's old colleague.. I write this poem which more or less relates to him..

The Old Man

He sat,

On the sofa facing us,

He sat,

Gazing into space with eyes so strong,

The old man that I know.

He talked,

As he recounts the days of old,

He talked,

Reminiscing bitter and cold,

The old man that I know.

He was the soul,

Still in good shape as though he was young,

He was the spirit,

Making us laugh like we're his sons,

The old man that I respect.

He was aged,

But he never let it show,

He was frail,

But he spoke of wise and old,

The old man that I respect.

He spoke to me,

What is it you wish to be,

He told me,

Do your best in order to succeed,

The old man that I revere.

He whispered aloud,

An excerpt from the Bible,

"Knock and the door will open,

Seek and you shall find,

And ask and you shall be answered."

The old man that I revere.

Today, he remains here,

The cheerful man that I revere,

His smile brightens the sky above,

For he is the old man that I love.

-CCW-

Tolling Bell

2011-01-31T22:57:00.001-08:00

Tolling Bell

For a moment, silence,

For the time being, peaceful ambience,

For a second, soundless,

For the moment, noiseless.

And then, it rang,

The tolling bell sang,

Like a mighty gong, echoes,

Throughout the village it goes,

All could hear,

Far and near,

The bell that has stood for years,

The sound that they heard for years.

The bell tells the time,

For everytime it chimes,

Whether it was time to rise and shine,

Or when it was time to dine.

The bell that stands proudly,

Forges itself in our memory,

From the time it was gold and shiny,

Till it became brown and rusty.

For a moment, it was quiet,

For awhile, an empty bracket,

And then, the tolling bell sings,

And life continues its cycling.

Dead Flowers

2011-01-30T03:44:00.001-08:00

Here is my first attempt on a full-fledged song, having only written full rap songs. The verses are crooned while the chorus follows the verse's tempo. The bridge is also crooned but towards the end, the vocal notes go a bit higher.. Thats how i think the song is sung. Lyrics might be a bit mushy.. but this was done in like 20 minutes so...here it is..

Dead Flowers

Verse 1

I can't see your face,

As the light fades away,

I can't remember your face,

As the days slip away.

Rain that falls on me,

Pours so heavily,

Pain that comes and goes away,

Like a river flow...

Chorus

These dead flowers that fall to the ground,

Wittle and shed their tears,

Crying silently without a sound,

Trying to hide their fears.

Verse 2

The night so dark and so cold,

Shivers and frightens the bold,

When will the dark ever turn to light?

When will the storm subside?

The dead flower falls, beauty lost,

Petals that drop, lost their cause,

The empty chambers that fill the heart,

Wishing for hope in the dark...

Chorus

These dead flowers that fall to the ground,

Wittle and shed their tears,

Crying silently without a sound,

Trying to hide their fears.

And these dead flowers that drift away,

Wandering the streets alone,

Crying silently from day to day,

With nowhere safe to go.

Bridge

I am lost in the night, looking for light,

Wishing that you were here,

Holding tightly with all my might,

Wishing you were here.

Chorus

These dead flowers that drift away,

Wandering the streets alone,

Crying silently from day to day,

With nowhere safe to go.

-CCW-

The Inevitable

2011-01-20T22:02:00.000-08:00

The Inevitable

The big obstacle that lies before me,

Forcing a decision so effortlessly,

It seems as though i've reached a junction,

Where do i go now? Any suggestions?

I cannot turn back, no, i can't do that,

My pride says no, you can't look back,

This is the point of no return, it is a fact,

You can't back out, or you'll lose contact.

The path that beckons me voices out,

You can't runaway, no you can't back out,

The voice calls, stressing every syllable,

Telling me that this is inevitable.

Counting down the hours before it happens,

Hoping for a day to pass without incidents,

I pray and i hope all day, but i know nothing lasts,

Because what's done is done, you can't change the past.

The choices i make, the chances i'll take,

The voice tells me i've everything at stake,

I cannot afford to lose, not when the chips are set,

I cannot afford to waste, the chances i'll get.

The big obstacle now lies before me,

It lies in my path looking mockingly,

I heave a sigh as i make my decision,

And hope the inevitable will clear my vision.

CCW

The Forked Road

2011-01-09T01:37:00.000-08:00

Looking back i knew it was not to be,

What should be and what must be,

I cannot seem to see it clearly,

The forked road that beckoned me.

Looking forward i know it was to be,

To decide on how things are to be,

I cannot seem to see it clearly,

The forked road that beckons me.

Whether it was fate or destiny,

It mattered not as i took the first step,

Whether it was real or fantasy,

It mattered not as i tried to adapt.

The forked road that showed the way,

It was ever present for every day,

Waiting for its victim with glee,

Waiting for the choice to go wrongly.

The forked road that defines the future,

Brings everyone for an adventure,

Think and decide, there is no turning back,

The forked road that denies any backtrack.

If you have chosen, then that is your path,

You cannot retreat even when it's rough,

You know what you have to do, don't you?

The forked road is waiting for you.

Envy That Corrupts

2010-12-15T00:44:00.000-08:00

Envy. Invidiousness. Is it an obstacle or a manner of motivation? Is it the bane or the remedy? What truly defines envy? Is it the respite we have when we see the more superior? Is it the sense of defeat that ensues when we see one who is more superior? Is it really something that is not good?

Or is it something else?

Is it the motivational spirit to drive us to be better than what we witness? Is it the growing feeling of determination to do things to be more superior than the ones who are more superior than you? Is it a good emotion, this envy?

So many questions. Yet, all of this head towards one answer.

It depends.

While some of us are able to control our envy, some of us cannot. In fact, this envy becomes unbearingly heavy that people tend to do stupid things because of it. But, the question is this. Do we need envy? Do we want the motivational feeling that envy can provide?

I do not need it.

If i want motivation, i will get my motivation by myself. I do not need envy to provide me strength. I will strive by myself.

So, today, i face yet another entity with the hopes that i do not need to face it again.

Envy.

Envy sat on a chair, reading a book. The cover was black, the pages were green in colour. Not your typical book that you would find in bookstores or libraries. Envy had his eyes glued on a single page for two minutes before looking up.

"Good evening to you, Andrew," he said. He paused before smiling, "But,of course, there is neither day nor night in this place. Please, make yourself comfortable." He stood up to draw me a chair. As i sat, he bustled at the tea counter, taking out a cup and filling it with tea. "Earl Grey,if you do not mind,"Envy said,"I'm afraid coffee is not my cup of tea though u might find the tea to be rather good, if i may." I nodded as i sipped on the tea. Glancing around, i noticed shelves of books, all which are covered in black.

"Rather sad,don't you think?" Envy asked gloomily. He waved at the shelves. "These are not mere books. These are collections, compilations of many things. Things which hold an interest for me. Yes, these books are the envy of people. The feeling of envy that is in a human." He walked to a shelf and took a book. Closer observation showed that the book,which was covered in black had their titles written in bright red ink and the spine of the books were made of black onyx. The book he took was titled "Invidiousness".

"The funny thing about being called Envy is that i,myself, do not like the word. I feel as though the word holds no significance. Yet, it is an important human emotion,don't you agree?" Envy sighed as he placed the book on the table.

"Envy is an uneasy feeling. Unlike my brother, Jealousy, whose emotions are human-related only, envy can be forwarded towards many aspects. Which brings us to our discussion today.

What is it that you feel about envy? What is it that makes you uneasy about me?" Envy looked directly at me. I returned the stare as i composed my thoughts. This is not gonna be easy, i thought. I took another sip before i began.

" To most humans, no, to most normal humans, envy is a feeling that forces you to work for something that you feel you should be able to attain. As long as it is attainable by another, envy gives us a 'push' into believing that you yourself are able to attain that thing. I beg to differ in that opinion. Envy 'pushes' us to think that the thing that others have attained would be beneficial for ourselves. A huge percentage of the time, that is untrue. What might seem to be good for some, is poison for others. I have seen people going down that road before, dreaming of achieving something others have, but blinded to other options."

"I hate that,"I continued bluntly, "Envy causes restrictions in our options. Restrictions that we do not seem to realize, in our blindness to achieve something that may have adverse effects on ourselves. While i admit that envy can be a driving force, the side effects and counter forces are too great."

Envy nodded thoughtfully. "Rather like a Pyrrhic victory, is it not?" he asked, " Knowing you and your words; one man's perception is another man's confusion, i must say that this is rather like you."

Taking up his cup of tea, he gazed at the bookshelves that, no matter how long you stare at it, were ominously filled with a darkness that fills the heart with negative feelings. "What you must realize, Andrew, is that envy varies in people. For you, the effect might not be favorable," he said, "Before i continue, though, what is the proof that I am a threat to you? As far as memory serves, there was no case in which envy has taken you before."

As i pondered the question, another voice entered the discussion, answering the question for me. It was HD.

"Prevention is always better than cure. If envy has never taken him before, it is because of the control that he exerts on himself. However, control only last for so long. As long as the problem exists, it is a problem. Personally, I think it is better if there never was a case." HD said. Envy was silent as HD entered the room. Finally, he nodded.

"Yes, weighing both advantage and disadvantage on scale, it is better if there never was a case. But, Andrew, you came here knowing that you can never destroy me. You can only confine me. While, unlike my brother, Anger, you choose not to use me and thus, you want to keep me shackled in the deepest part of your heart. While i have neither the will nor the right to oppose that decision, i shall, as tradition wills it, part with a warning."

The room darkened as the lights dimmed. The true form of Envy, a blackish-green insignia of a rose, shimmered in the dim lights.

Envy is not removed.

It is controlled.

Whether you can keep it, it is up to you.

Whether you can hold it, it is up to you.

Remember.

I am not with you.

I am you.

At last, The One Who Envies has been conquered.

真実と事実

2010-12-07T03:30:00.000-08:00

"I put you through hell, yes, but it was a hell you needed to experience. The pain, suffering, death.. all were necessary. I served the purpose of the universe, just as you did. If not for my dark presence, you would never have found the path you were required to travel. People needed devils and dark gods, if only to give them a foe to rally against, an obstacle to overcome. Your people understood that there can be no light without darkness, no good without evil, no triumph without setbacks. You cannot kill me because i am part of all that you are, all you have done and plan to do. You do not have to like me. You can even loathe me. But you must accept me."

That is my new resolution.That is what I will do. Because that is the truth.. and the fact.

CCW

Rage of The Soul

2010-12-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

Anger. Hatred. Despise. Resentment. All are connected. Anger creates hatred. Hatred flames despise. Despise leads to resentment. Resentment causes anger. They become a part of human nature. The impatient feeling that is slowly ignited in a human. The destructive force that has supposedly fueled human to advancements and degeneration. And yet, useful it may be, it was something i did not want to have.

I never liked anger. I never liked the fact that the human nature will change the moment anger takes control. Controllable? Yes. Uncontrollable? Even more so. The redness that has always signify anger glows ever so brightly in humans. Frustration. Rage. And if one time is not enough, humans are capable of going berserk for more times than we can imagine.

I resent that.

My resentment does not come from fact that i am angry but more to the sense of regret. I regret the fact that anger brings out the worst in a person. I regret the fact that there are many factors in our surroundings that are capable of catalyzing anger. I regret the fact that anger has caused meaningless deaths.

I regret knowing anger.

I decided that i must eliminate anger from my system. It is not much to the world but it means a lot to me. And so, here i stand in front of my anger with the aim of preventing its control over me.

The first battle begins.

Anger.

Anger stood in front of me. From a normal person's view, they would suspect nothing from his calm face and relaxed posture. However, closer observation shows otherwise. Anger is not only by outlook. One who has enough experience will be able to conceal one's outlook of anger. But not the eyes. The eyes are the only giveaway that a person is angry. The dead, serious eyes that hold no emotion other than anger itself. Eyes that pierce you, showering its target with resent and despise.

Anger.

Anger heaved a sigh as I stood in front of him. "Somehow," he said,"I knew it was only time before you decided to face me." His voice had a touch of resentment as though he had not yet accomplish what he had wanted done. I faced him with determination in my eyes. Determination to see this through. To clarify matters. To settle what needs settling.

"Don't be mistaken, my friend." I paused, composing my mind to find the right words.

"I do not intend to destroy your existence.I do not intend to completely remove you from my existence. All I want is concealment. I want restrain. I have seen what happens when you are set loose. I do not wish to walk that path again."

Anger relaxed his clenched fists. The eyes which had only anger slowly gained something else. Comprehension. Anger had understood me a little. However, this was far from over. The first step has been executed. Time to master anger.

Anger turned its back on me to gaze at the red-orange tinge of the setting sun.

"Anger," he said,"comes whether you like it or not. If it is not frustration, it is indignation. If it is not incurred wrath, it is annoyance. You are right. You cannot destroy me. It is not whether you want to, its that you simply CAN'T. You do not remove anger. You do not dispel wrath completely. You merely restrain it." I nodded.

"But," Anger turned to face me, " What makes you think that you can control me?"

" What sense of pride has clouded you so much that you think you can restrain me?"

"Can you truly deny the rage of your soul? Can you always be the patient person you are known to be? I doubt you can. Sooner or later,you will let me consume you. I have been your wrath all these years. I know what can happen. And yet, you say that you have the strength to deny me. If you do have it, show me." Anger stood in front of me, his form radiating unbearable heat. The ground gave the sense of engulfing flames. This was Anger's ground. Rage. Anger. Frustration. Wrath.

I turned my gaze from Anger to the sky. Even the sky exhibited reddish colours from the flames that now licked the earth. The iridescence of the sky in Anger's world. I smiled and looked at Anger.

"I don't have that strength." Anger's look was incredulous as i said that.

"Like you said, I can't keep you tethered strong enough to prevent you from coming out. Because of that, I make sure that I can rely on someone whenever i feel that i cannot control you."

"And that is why, i'm here." Another voice joined the fray as HD joined us. "I will be the extra restrain that will keep you in check, Anger." Anger looked at HD and laughed.

"I knew something was up but this was against what i had expected. This should be exciting. Very well, Andrew. I'll see just how much you can keep me controlled. Remember your own saying. A chained beast only gets more violent upon its release. As my master, i am obliged to wish you all the best." Anger turned around." But do not forget, there will be times when you need me. Do not hesitate. Do not fall back. Only go on. The flames that are in your soul will be forever be there, never extinguished, ever blazing."

"I will remember that," I replied. Anger smiled.

"The rest are not so easygoing as me. You will need to be more prepared when you face the others. My brothers," he sneered,"some of them are not to my liking."

Anger vanished as he spoke his final sentence. The flames which were burning the ground opened a path forward.

The first battle has ended.

As i left Anger's world, i reflected on what has happened.

Anger is in us, whether we like it or not. Everything,however, ends up with choices. Humans themselves would have to choose and decide. The pieces are already there. What matters is the move that one makes.

For now, The One Who Rages has been mastered.

CCW

Correction of a 'Flaw'

2010-11-24T06:58:00.000-08:00

Now, it seems to me that apparently Andrew has written a flaw in his latest post. What is that flaw, you ask? Allow me to present an excerpt from his recent post and see if you can detect the flaw...

Anger. Sloth. Gluttony. Envy. Jealousy. Pain. Guilt. Greed. These were the negative forces that i had stripped off from myself. I removed them from myself so that i could control myself and not be consumed by the dark. As cliched as it sounds, i understood the magnitude of the situation. HD was looking at me with that serious eyes of his.

"What are you gonna do?" he asked, "You knew this would happen the moment you became invulnerable and succumbed to your weakness." I nodded. "I know," I muttered,"This is something i will have to settle fast." Eight entities. I would have to face them again and prove that i could go on without them. The emotions. Negative feelings. I do not need them. Yet, they are part of the human God created.

...

....

Did you notice the so-called flaw? Because i didn't. But anyway let us highlight the flaw that has been discovered.

HD's words rang in my ears as i grasped the situation. I understood what he was trying to say. As i opened my mouth to reply, i paused. Anger. Sloth. Gluttony. Envy. Jealousy. Pain. Guilt. Greed. These were the negative forces that i had stripped off from myself. I removed them from myself so that i could control myself and not be consumed by the dark. As cliched as it sounds, i understood the magnitude of the situation. HD was looking at me with that serious eyes of his.

Don't ask me why but apparently the last sentence was a flaw. Now, I'm not here to completely explain to you what is going on in Andrew's head while he wrote this. The explanation is for him alone to provide, if he wishes to. I'm merely the advisor and all i'm gonna do is shed some light over this matter.

Negativity.

It is wanted and yet unwanted depending on the situation. The problem here is that there is argument that GOD did not create, to quote, "all the negativity". Now, i do not know what you learn in arguments but the quote is a flaw by itself.

"All the negativity"?

Can anyone be really sure that God did not create all the negativity?

This, is a perfect example of overgeneralization.

The phrase "all the negativity" is assuming that God has no part at all in those negativity that we humans have. If so, where did those negativity come from? Positivity? Are we safely sure that Newton's third law is applicable here?

No.

I may not be the one that wrote the subject flaw but i do know that the flaw is NOT a flaw. Whether or not this is unsupported remains to be seen. I would like to delve further into deciphering whether the creation of negativity was in fact, the work of God but more of that on another date. Perhaps a couple of lines ought to clarify things up for now.

The fact that there is negativity in humans proves that humans are not perfect. In fact, they should not be. A world isn't fit for perfection and it will never be. And God DID NOT create perfect humans. How can i be so sure about this? Because perfection is only an illusion. No human is perfect. They may be perfect in the exterior but definitely not in the interior. You might say that certain ups have been the catalyst for which negativity is born in humans. But, let me ask you a question.

Just who do you think it was that created negativity?

Is it the nature of humans that developed such an intricate feeling? No. Was it the fact that humans created such things to keep themselves in check? No.

But i would say that God, if you ever believed in one, created the dark and light of humans. He did that and gave us one more push so that the balance will be kept.

CHOICE.

Just that and that alone is the determinant. That's all there is to it. Humans choose. God creates.

The Commencing

2010-11-21T00:39:00.000-08:00

I leaned on my car as i viewed the sunset that filled the sky with an orange blaze. This was one of those times where the world does not seem so bad. I breathed in the air as the scenery etched itself in my memory. This was something to remember, for as long as i exist. The orange sky. The white clouds. The setting sky. Everything was perfect. Although, i knew reality was not a bit like that.

"This is just like you," a voice said, "I knew i would find you here." I turned to see HD beside me, taking in the scenery as i was. I nodded. "Yeah, this is one of those places where i can relax and forget about reality." HD snorted. "Whatever you do, you can't runaway from reality. No matter how much you try to forget, you cannot forget facts. Ignore them as you might, but there are still there. Which is why i'm here."

I looked at him, eyebrows raised.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm talking about what you did last time. The fact that you threw away certain things to get along with your life. The fact that you gave me your anger, sloth, gluttony, envy, jealousy, pain, guilt and greed just so you can go on. The fact that you gave them to me because you cannot control them. And the assumption that i could control it. Well, i could. But only to a certain extent. I did not realize that each of those forces that you gave me gained an entity of its own at the moment when you were at your weakest. I presume you know what i'm talking about?"

"Looks like i don't have a choice. I'll lend you a hand in this matter. After all, it is my problem,too."

I smiled as i stare at the sky. The days are gonna get rough. Its time to do what i have done before. To break down the negativity that resides within my body. To change what is there to be changed. To minimize the side effects. To make sure that i do not succumb to the temptations of negativity. This is the showdown between us and what i have thrown away.

This is the Commencing.

CCW

The Beginning

2010-11-14T04:41:00.000-08:00

The starting of a new life. Or is it really a new life? Did I turn over a new leaf? Did I change from my old self? Did I do something that signify a difference to which i was leading my life with?

This is the beginning of a new dawn.

The rise of one who has been through hell and came back to once again regain himself.

I compose myself as i sat down and looked at the immense pile of work that awaited me, some done, some half-finished, the rest untouched. I heaved a sigh as i pulled the nearest stack of paper towards me and begin to write.

It was not as though it was something new to me. In fact, this was normal for someone like me. Expectations had to be met. Goals had to be achieved. Visions must be fulfilled. That is how i get on with life. Even so, one can hardly not let out a sigh of exasperation with such a workload. Studies to be gone through. Books to be perused. Ideas to be laid out. Plans to be worked out and executed. Such things may be detrimental but this is who i am.

It is the beginning of journey.

There are many things out there that i have to regain. Many things that i have to accomplish. Not to forget the increasing amount of stress that i have to cope with. The tension, burden and endless assignments, to be managed in a given time or at leisure. This is merely the prelude for something else.

However, no matter how much i have to bear, i'm not alone in this.

I have HD with me to keep things in check. Together, there is nothing that we cannot do. Obstructions will be destroyed. Barriers will be broken. All of this for the sake of a better future. Come rain or shine, we'll weather through it. Nothing can stop our journey for future. This is not the end of something old. This is the continuity, the proceeding of what we have worked for. The journey has just started. The gears which have been oiled, began their movements. The power cogs are functional.

This is the Beginning.

CCW

Reconstruction

2010-11-10T23:56:00.001-08:00

I stood in the deserted graveyard, next to the broken gravestones that signified the return from my death. I cast a gloomy eye at the remains of the graveyard. Here lies the past, the present and the future. That which has been the breaking of my spirit and the rebuilding of the heart. This was where i reconstruct.

I glanced at the moss-filled tombstones that litter the ground. Two of them caught my eye as it was not ones which were there before.

They read;

Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing but to turn it into glory

Perseverance At the end of every challenge is the beginning of something new

"Found it haven't ya?" a voice said from behind.

I nodded without turning around. "Funny the way you decided to etch the message in my head."I said as HD stood beside me.

HD smirked and said, "What better way of reminding than having it etched here where i was sure you would visit again. This was your origin after all. I was certain that you would visit this place after your reawakening."

Again, i nodded.

This was the very place that sense had been forced into me. The place where i discovered my reason for existence. The place where i regained my reason and logic. The place where he was formed.

This is me building back from where i dropped. Picking up the pieces of my life that i had left when i died. This is the first stepping stone. The one step forward.

The reconstruction.

CCW

Something deep..

2010-11-09T21:22:00.001-08:00

The past is there for you to remember your efforts,
The present is there for you to know and take comfort,
The future is there for you to wonder what's coming,
You are here to know exactly why you're standing.

HD

The Death and the Return

2010-11-09T18:11:00.000-08:00

(Crooning)

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface,

Consuming, Confusing,

This lack of self control i feel is never ending,

Controlling, I can't seem

to find myself again..my walls are closing in...

I felt this way before, so insecure..

(harmonizing)

Crawling in my skin , these wounds they will not heal,

Fear is h0w i fall, Confusing what is real...

Crawling- Linkin Park

Yes, the title is true..

I died again.. and yet, i returned again..

...

.....

It's a metaphor, idiots..

As i lay on my deathbed, i compose my epitaph..

" Here lies a person who tried his best but just couldn't give his best.. He dies here in honor and also serve a reminder to the world.. It is not what one can do or what one should do, but what one must do that sets the system in motion"

And as i close my eyes for the journey beyond, i'm stopped by another voice that has been with me since i was 15.

"Is this really how you want it to end?"

I sighed.

I feel broken, dispirited, lost and painstakingly annoyed with world that i live in, i thought. If i could die and relieve the stress, wouldn't it be better?

The voice chuckled as though he had read my mind.

"You have a long way to go. Mistakes, what of it? Depression, what of it? Pain, what of it? You really think that dying can save you from the misery that you have casted on yourself? Look at you. When i first met you, you were a reasonable person, pertaining to reasoning, logic and sometimes pure instinct when your heart tells you so. Even then, you always chose the right path. Where is that person now? Look at what you have become. Just because of mistakes, you falter. Just because of unbearing pain, you stop."

I listened to the voice and i realized that what he said was true.

Yes, I have made mistakes, more mistakes than normal people my age would have made.

Yes, I piled misery on myself,but wasn't that because i was the bearer of pain?

Yes, I have been pained over and over again but as he said,

"So what?"

Because of the burden that became heavier and heavier, a single mistake caused me to think irrationally. I have forgotten the essentials, the reason as to why I, who have been burdened, have lived on and survived till today. I have forgotten myself. The reason of my existence.

My eyes which have been gaunt and haunted,regained a bit of my former self.

But, the pain was still there. The suffering that i had inflicted on myself, still showed in the wounds of my heart. I still felt dispirited.

"You are not alone in this matter. Your mistakes are mine as well. We were both at fault at what happened. But i have already told you. So what of the mistakes? Mistakes are made to be reflected not regretted. I cannot allow you to wallow in the pain anymore. I will draw out the very source of your despair. Let me be your vanguard.. your chevalier. You, the one who revels in despair and sorrow, will return again to face the cruel world that you live in...and i'll be there to bear the pain and the agony as you face it.."

My life flashed through my eyes as i realized what i have become.

A wretch..i had become inhuman.. lost without reason.. and he brought me back..

I died.. and returned once again, to show that i can.. that i will..that i shall forever be..Master of Sorrow..

"If there is no sorrow, then be sorrow. If there is no justice,then be justice. If there is no pain, then be the pain.. If there is no one, then remember me. I am the pain of your wounds, the stress in your veins, the suffering of your plight,and the rage in your heart. If it comes to the end, I'll be there to crush down whoever's in your way.. You are who you are. I am who I am and who you are.I am the heart of your soul."

As his words rang in my ears, i picked myself up. It's not the time to die yet. There are things to do. I'll bear the burden i have and i'll crush those in my way. That is who i have always been. The voice that spoke to me heaved a sigh.

" Really had to reel you in on this one. Now,its time to bring the rain, to kill and be insane,to-"

"relish and bear the pain," i cut in, "Thanks for the wake up call. I feel awake now. Time to set the system running, shall we?"

The voice laughed.

"Let's roll,"

I left the empty graveyard, leaving behind the broken pieces of my death. This is only the beginning. There are many things that i have to do.

Through the rain and through shine,

Nothing's stopping me from taking what's mine,

Get in my way, and we'll crush you,
Everything for the sake of a dream to come true.

CCW

Smoke and kill.. Books and will

2010-08-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

I drove to college on a cold morning at 6.45. It had been raining the previous night. I parked my car just a few meters away from college and sighed as I got out. Today was going to be just another day. Nothing ever changes in the way i run my life. Nothing new as always. I opened the front portion of my bag and took out a cigarette. Kent, i thought. " Dude, you gotta be kidding me," I muttered as i lighted the cigarette. I stood there staring into space, puffing away and wondering.. whether i should have a change..

"Why think when you can make it happen?" a voice spoke. I snapped out of my reverie and turned around. HD stood on the other side of my car, looking at me with that serious look he has sometimes. "Mornin'" I muttered,"Hard to change if there isn't anything there for change.."

"Tch"

HD shook his head. "Look at you.. I gotta admit, I'm surprised that you actually tried smoking. And here's the one who said that smoking kills." I laughed as he said that. "True," I admitted, "But of course, that much has changed isn't it?" HD gave a short laugh before becoming serious again. "I heard the problem at home.. You okay with it?" he asked. I lowered my cigarette and stared at him. "Hard to keep secrets from you isn't it?" I asked. I stared at the cars before giving my answer.

"Yeah, its cool. Ain't got the trouble to care about that.."

HD nodded. "Good," he said, "At least this time, i don't have to step in and clear your head." "Yea," I muttered,"I've got other stuff to handle.. what with my exams coming up and I still haven't finished studying through yet." "Hmmph," HD turned and walk away.

"Oh yea," he turned, " You do know it kills, don't ya? You sure you ain't gonna get addicted to it?"

I took a puff before meeting his gaze.

"Just how long have you been knowing me?"

"Just who do you think I am?"

CCW

Of Equatorial and new material

2010-08-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

Its a bit late to be posting this but i might as well get on with it.

For the first time since the formation of Seafield's Da BL3EPZ, they have been invited to perform for someone not related to academic. Da BL3EPZ were invited to perform for the alumni dinner of Johnson's and Johnson's ex-employers and employees.

Now, this hip-hop group has been slowing regaining themselves from the disastrous performance they put up for the Leo IU the previous year. Now, with Double A and CCW in college and A.RON in Form Six, they return this year with a determination to erase the errors done previously. Starting an ecstatic performance in Taylor's Acoustic Night and then a rather abysmal performance for Taylor's Leo Installation, this invitation to perform in the Alumni dinner was like a wake up call.

Despite missing Double A, who could not make it, Da BL3EPZ made sure it was a trinity by bringing in another beatboxer/ex-classmate, Ram. A.RON, Ram and CCW. Together, they performed in the dinner themed "Friends for Life" under the name Da BL3EPZ Ext3nded, signifying the new change of the group.

And when i say new material, i really mean new material. The group managed to make a good cover of the Bill Withers song, Lean On Me, with Ram on the beats and CCW and A.RON on vocals. With that, Da BL3EPZ brings in a new style into the way they perform and also a new member as Ram becomes a member of Da BL3EPZ.

What else can Da BL3EPZ offer in times to come? Only time can tell.

The One I Fear And Revere..

2010-07-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

Yami.. Subete no iro wa tada kuro to aka... Nanimo henko.. Mainichi wa onaji..

(Darkness.. All the colours were just black and red... Nothing changes.. Everyday was just the same..)

That was what i thought of the world as i fell into the darkness. I was helpless to avoid it. I can't change the mistake i have done.

But you can change it.

I was left stranded and shuddering in the cold. Alone. In the darkness.

You are not alone.

In the mist of the blackness that began to engulf me, i could hear a voice. It must be my imagination.

Accept me. Let me be the one to burden the guilt.

I could hear it again. Who was it? I looked down at my bloodstained hands; the blood was still fresh. It wasn't my blood. Whose was it? I don't recall anything.

Accept me. Accept my existence.

Who is it?

Let me be your chevalier.

The voice is calling to me. But what is it?

I am your wrath, anger and hatred.

Is that all?

I am your negative just as you are my positive. Accept yourself. Accept my existence.

Ah. I remember. I gave away a part of my emotions. The negative side of me. I gave it an existence. An existence by the name of He-

Yes. That is who i am. Now, accept me.

Yes. I will.

Very well. I will be the one to bring you out of the darkness. I will free your soul of guilt. I will be your guilt. I am your blade when you need it. My name is-

I remember it now. He is the one i fear and revere. The ultimately superior form of me. The one who will be the final me standing. The one i created in my wish to be two separate existences. His name is ...

HD.

CCW

Back ...

2010-07-12T02:55:00.000-07:00

After a long while, I'm back.

Yes.

My first post after what seems to be a very long period of time. Of course, its not that i do not have the time. Its just that there are other things that i intend to do instead of writing in my blog. I'm finally starting to feel the strain in my A-levels course. Whether or not, i can withstand the pressure, well, I'm still surviving..to say the least.

With Further Mathematics finally in my timetable, my leisure time for Maths just went down the drain. Even Nicholas and Heng Shuh Peih, the two ultimately superior students in my class, are finding it hard to cope. How then, shall i cope?

Yes, i do admit that by saying Further Maths is easy previously, i'm delusioning myself on the prospects of an easy life.

How pathetically wrong i am.

I do not feel the same strain with the other subjects, that i am thankful. That DOES NOT mean that i am taking the other subjects lightly. I am moving forward, yes, but it will take a millenia before i can actually say that the A-level subjects are easy. Hard? no. Complicating? yes.

I still hold on to the statement i made not too long ago that Further Maths is NOT hard. It is complicating and stressful but to use the word "hard" or "difficult" would be too harsh.

But, seriously, college life is taking its toll on me.

Heck, I can't even keep in contact with any of my old friends. The only old friends that i do keep in contact with is Alex and Ramaraj. This clearly shows how college life has made me separated.

But, hell, I got new friends and new adversaries so i guess that's how life goes on. I still have an article which i intend to post here in the near future. But more of that on another time.

I should probably buck up in my college studies.. Maybe its high time i let him run loose, shall I?

What's gone is gone. But what's not found can still be unearth as long as we will it to be.

CCW

It was a blast while it lasted ..

2010-04-30T00:46:00.000-07:00

It certainly was a blast as we met up for about one of the last times we could ever meet up in high school .. and yes .. it was fun while it lasted ..

High school ..

The life we enjoyed when we were in Form 1 till Form 5 . The life we came to like as we learned various subjects , further increasing our knowledge .. if only , for the moment .

It was fun while it lasted .

Now, the times have slowly evolved . We adjust ourselves to new surroundings. We adept to our new life . We lose friends and gained new ones in return .

That cycle does not end .

We will forever be changing . We will never stop . While the Earth continues to spin on its axis , we will pursue greater heights , never stopping .. even if we are rotting six feet under .

We will NEVER EVER stop .

That is why we humans are to be differentiated from animals . We understand the truth in words when we see it . And we know what to do ..

Do we?

CCW

Words from the wise ..

2010-04-27T05:25:00.000-07:00

If you can see the future , don't ever look back . Cast off your fear . Look forward . Go forward . Never stand still . Retreat and you will age . Hesitate and you will die .

Being Where I Belonged

2010-04-16T23:37:00.000-07:00

I sighed as i made my way to the library after the Maths period was over. "Now, to spend the hour doing nothing until the club meeting....Now why don't you come out, HD?" I muttered. He stepped out into the light with a frown on his face. "Funny,"he said,"Didn't know you knew i was there.."I snorted and sighed again.

HD laughed."What's with that stupid face of yours? You look like a dead person."he asked. I looked at him and gazed at the numerous number of people that were coming out of and going into the library. "Have you ever felt that you can't control your life and that something is pulling the strings for you? Sometimes, it pulls you in the correct direction.. Sometimes, it brings you to where you don't feel nice at all." HD looked at me, his brow creasing.

"The same question again?" he asked, "You truly never change,huh? Hmm.. I had my fill of life though yes of course, everybody goes through the "pulling strings" thingy.." We walked down to the cafeteria and grabbed a can of coffee each. "I suspect this has something to do with your parents?"he asked. I snorted. "Cheh, no way i can hide things from you,eh? Well, more or less.. Its just that, my dad's been pestering me to apply for scholarships until today...". It was HD's turn to snort. "And here i was thinking what was the problem.. Hmm, you are who you are. And you do what you do. No change in that. You choose what you wanna do and don't listen to people pestering you. That's how you live in life. You take the bull by the horns and you do it your way. Though, in my case, it goes further,"he added as he gave his wicked smile.

"I kill those who get in my way."

I looked at him and laughed."But of course,"he continued,"that would be unwise and irrational at this situation. All i'm saying is that you gotta just believe in yourself and don't let other people intervene in your course. You might meet obstacles. but you know what to do with the obstacles, do you?" he asked. I nodded.

"Of course. Just who do you think i am?"

HD smiled. "Glad that's sorted out,"he said. He looked at the rainy sky that perfectly suited my emotions at that particular time. "If that is all, i have an appointment to catch.. I'll see you around.. real soon"he said before departing. " Oh and remember one thing,"he said as he left.

"If you know where your heart belongs, then you will know where you actually belong? And I don't give a damn if you get it or not"he smiled and waved goodbye.

I stared at the open sky and the continuously pouring rain. Where I belonged,huh?,I thought. Very well, I have decided. My moves are already played. All that's left is the outcome. And, yes, I don't give a damn if they don't get it.

This is where i belong.

This is where my heart is at rest.

This is where i can truly shine.

And i don't fucking give a damn if you diss the hell out of me.

CCW

Broken Memory

2010-04-08T06:58:00.001-07:00

Ten years has gone and passed. That which has happened about a decade ago, still burned freshly in my memories. The scene that remains etched in my mind, even if I were to brainwash myself a thousand times. I still remember that faithful day when a life was ripped away from the surface of the Earth. I remembered the agony that flowed in my veins, the horrible feeling in my gut, the wrenching pain that slowly erupted as I gazed upon the still body of the person that I cared about. My own bloodline, my sister, lay dead on the floor, murdered. At that moment, I could not only feel pain.

I felt anger. Frustration boiling inside of me. I recalled the laughter of the murderer as he looked down on me. I can still smell the scent of her blood from the fatal wound he gave her. I remembered hearing a roar of rage released from my mouth. I remembered nothing else after that. When I came to my senses, it was to find the murderer’s blood on my hands and the murderer lying next to me, lifeless. I remembered the sirens of the police car, recalled the yell of agony that came out of me, noticed that I was being handcuffed and finally came back to my original self in jail. For two days and nights, I wept and screamed in frustration.

That was the ordeal at that time. For two years I was in jail, awaiting the death sentence that I knew was bound to be given out. None came. I was acquitted due to the lack of solid evidence. The murderer was dead. My sister was killed. I survived it. Survivor’s guilt was all I had in me. When I was released, I wasted myself in the pub, drinking and getting drunk. That prolonged for a couple of months. I went into depression. I smoked and took drugs to relieve the pain. Part of me knew that all of this was wrong. That it was a stupid irrational thing to do. I shut myself out of reality and entered my own fantasy. Finally, I did the worst thing a human with a life can do.

I decided to commit suicide.

I was lying in bed for the whole day after recovering from a hangover the previous night when the thought came to me. It was better to end my life, I thought. I have nothing else in this world except her. She was my beloved sister, the one I sworn to protect. Now, she was gone. Taken away from me. I held a knife to my wrist. This was how I was going to end my miserable, pathetic life. The knife was mere millimeters from my wrist when I caught sight of a picture of her. I stopped and gazed at the picture of my sister. Her smiling face with my naturally frowning face beside. The knife fell from my hand as the life flooded back into my eyes. With shaking hands, I removed the picture from the frame. I choked as tears welled in my eyes. With the picture pressed on my chest, I uttered a single word before the tears became too much to bear.

“Zoey…,”

No matter what has happened, I had survived the incident. The picture became my source of inspiration. I picked myself up from the ground. I vowed to live so that I was the proof that she had lived. I started a new leaf. I got a job in a musical instruments shop as a cashier. From then on, I learnt to play the piano. Every piano piece I created was in her memory. Zoey loved to play the piano when she lived. The melody of the piano was a usual in our house. I would be beside her as she played the piano, encouraging her but never to play the piano myself.

The shop owner was aware of my predicament and was kind to me. He allowed me time to practice the piano and even thought me himself. I was lucky though I did not really felt that way. Eventually, I rose out of my shell and began to be my past self before the incident. I regained my friends and lived a normal life. The way everything should be.

Now, ten years has passed. I was my normal self again. However, I still smoked once every now and then to relieve the pain of recalling that incident. I became a piano professional, creating piano plays and my own songs but never making it big. The shop owner who had helped me before was always there to aid me. He was like a father to me. Zoey and I stayed by ourselves after our parents met their end in an accident when we were very young. We still managed somehow, thankfully because we had enough money to support us.

Ten years passed after the incident. I was supposed to be meeting a pianist who wanted to collaborate with me on an album. As I sat in the coffee shop which Zoey and I frequent, I could not help remembering the times we used to eat in the shop. Her radiant face as she laughed at my jokes. Her dimpled cheeks as she smiled. Her eyes which practically shone all the time. I smiled as I went on that nostalgic trip. And then, I saw her.

She was around the same height as Zoey was. Her smile was wide and she had dimpled cheeks. She saw me and sat opposite me. My eyes were wide with shock as I gazed at the person opposite me as though I had seen a ghost. She looked questioningly at my stunned face and laughed.

“ Seen a ghost or something scary? You look funny. You must be Andy Chan. Nice to meet you. My name is Zoey Lim, the pianist who wished to collaborate with you.”

The End.

Update in Life

2010-03-29T06:18:00.001-07:00

*Sighs*

Nothing really goes really well in college , eh?

At least , as far as how i see it in Andrew . He is still coping with the workload and the lifestyle of it . Of course , its only March and the pressure may not be as high as it is ..

Still ..

The fact remains ..

He cannot survive it alone .

He may try to hang in there . Doing things alone . Trying to handle the oversized problems that greatly overweighs him .

He will fail .

But of course , it will be a problem if my partner decides to croak . There is much for him .. for us to do . Currently , the only problem i see in college is the homework . Not problems in quantity but he faces a problem in the quality of the work .

College .. is different from school . In school , the examples are clear . The examples can lead you straight to the answer and only deviates a bit . In college , the level is incomparable to the school's homework . They do give you examples , but the examples will never lead you straight on .

Intellect does that .

You would have to think differently . Think outside the box . Think logically with the right amount of common sense .

Which Andrew lacks .

He lacks common sense . His basis of thinking is that of theory . His thoughts fail to redirect themselves if he encounters a problem in which the answer is not as it seems .

But whatever he lacks , i cover .

Thats the reason for my existence .

The only vision in my life . The mission i entrust upon myself .

KL Car VS Singapore Car

2010-03-24T05:14:00.000-07:00

Singaporean no match for the rest

The Johor MSA mini , the first of the 4 MSA mini tournaments , ended in a blast on the 22^nd of March . Held a week after the Lim Boon Heng Cup in Singapore , a total number of 12 participants were present for this event . The somewhat diminished number of participants did not prevent the event from being a very exciting one .

In the intermediate category , 4 players from the English College of Johor , famously known for producing skilled Scrabble players such as Ching San Song , Ian Tay and Brian Lim , slugged it out in a 6 match challenge with Benjamin Choo emerging as the champion while Haren Mohanraj was the runner-up . Each of the intermediate players won some cash for their participation in the tournament .

The focus , however , was in the Masters category where 5 Malaysians and 3 Singaporeans battle it out for first place . The Malaysians ; veterans Tan Jin Chor and Jocelyn Lor , recent CNY champ Alex Tan as well as up and coming youth players Ramaraj Sundraraj and Chang Ching Wei were all able players and were a on par with the Singaporeans who came ; Ricky Purnomo , Tony Sim and Shim Yen Nee . All the Malaysians hailed from Kuala Lumpur , making this tourney a KL car vs Singapore car match . This was due to the fact that all the Malaysians went back in the same car while the Singaporeans came and went back in another car . After a grueling 15 games , Ricky Purnomo of Singapore managed to brush aside the other players to win the tournament with an eye-popping 13 wins and +1104 spread . Ricky only dropped two games in the first day , losing to fellow Singaporean Tony Sim and Malaysia’s Chang Ching Wei .

The 15 games were played in two round robins and a KOTH final pair-up . This was a good format as it enabled each player to play with every participant twice , giving them the pleasure of exacting revenge or just to enjoy another game with one another . On the first day , 10 games were played so that the players would be able to return home earlier on the next day . Ricky Purnomo dropped two games on the first day but still ended up on first place after the first day . He was closely followed by Tony Sim and Tan Jin Chor , each on 6 wins . It was a bad day for Chang Ching Wei as he only won two out of the ten games played ( winning against Ricky and Ramaraj ) despite putting up a creditable display in the CNY tournament a mere month ago .

The second day saw mixed fortunes for the players . Ricky Purnomo , still on his excellent form , produced a superb performance to win the last 5 games . Tan Jin Chor , who was just behind Ricky , dropped 3 games but still managed to hold on for second place . It was the battle for third place that was exciting . Tony Sim was clearly on his way to clinch the place as long as he did not lose to Jocelyn by more than 163 points in the last game . Alas , it was an unlucky game as he stumbled to a 188 points lose to Jocelyn , ultimately giving Jocelyn the third place . A post mortem on the game showed that he could have lost by less had he played a lesser point move to go out in two rather than being caught with tiles himself .

Chang Ching Wei , sore from his dismal performance on the first day stringed four wins in a row to pit himself against Alex Tan in the KOTH round . It was as though history repeated itself . Chang Ching Wei opted not to challenge Alex Tan’s move of ABYED [ phoney] but instead challenged ILKA , a valid word , resulting in his lose by six points . Even his 107 point move of VERIFIED did not help to earn his fifth win in a row . On another table , Ramaraj , having lost all his games before the 15^th game , played a niner DISASTER but it was not enough to prevent the disaster of losing to Yen Nee . Other notable plays were ZOOGLEA , DIOCESAN , PYRANOSE , QUASARS , AMEERATES and FORAMINAL .

For his efforts , Ricky Purnomo pocketed RM 300 while Jin Chor and Jocelyn each took home RM200 and RM100 respectively . All in all , a good job by the organizer , Othman Zakaria in making the Johor MSA Mini an exciting tournament . The next tournament in the Malaysian schedule will be the MSA Mini 2 , held in Berjaya Times Square . For further inquiries , you can contact K.Sundraraj at 012-3661555 .

The Result

2010-03-16T05:13:00.000-07:00

I trudged to the front , my face impassive as the teacher passed my result slip to me . My heart was beating furiously . There were more than enough butterflies in my stomach to last me for an eternity . Out of the corner of my eye , i glimpsed the many anxious faces , the many happy and sad faces alike . Lastly , i spotted HD outside the hall , giving me the support i need . I looked at my result slip .

BM - A

BI - A+

Sejarah - A+

Mathematics - A+

Moral - A+

Additional Mathematics - A+

Prinsip Perakaunan - A+

Physics - A

Chemistry - A+

Biology - A

EST - A+

My heart skipped a beat . I looked at the results again . A sense of euphoria was erupting in me . I yelled with joy as i clutched the slip to my chest as though it meant the world to me . Friends all around me were congratulating me . Their voices seem a bit distant . Finally , i went outside to where HD was .

He smiled as he looked at the results . " Good job ," he said ," Better than expected , don't you think ? " I could only grin as we shook hands . " This is all thanks to you , man , " I said " I wouldn't have been able to do it if you weren't there . " HD waved the thanks away . " All i did was gave you some suggestions , that's all . It was you yourself who made it happen ," he said . I acknowledged his words as i went back to the hall . " The next one to overcome would be the A-Levels examinations ," I said " You with me? " . HD laughed as he walked away .

" Where else can i obtain as much fun as this ? Count me in . " he said before vanishing into the crowd . I smiled as i walked back into the hall . The world seemed lighter as though the pressure had miraculously disappeared . The results has been obtained . I have done my best . But the work has no end .

There will be others .

But on this faithful day of 11 March 2010 , let's just forgo that work and have fun ..

CCW

The Coming ..

2010-03-10T04:21:00.000-08:00

" It's finally here , huh ? " HD said as he walked towards me . I nodded my head in acknowledgement as i stared at the night sky . " It's finally here, " I muttered " The time when the path of my life will be carved in stone , when dreams become reality , where I will be standing in between the forked paths , finally deciding on the path which i would want to take . "

" All of this , on a single paper , " HD smirked , " Three years ago , i would be indifferent to this . Now , i understand the emotion in what you humans know as anxiety . Your hands are shaking , your perspiration gradually increases , the heart beats faster , you wait in anticipation . All of this , for a slip of paper . " I smiled as he delivered that statement . " Obviously , you who never feels anxious , knows nothing about that particular emotion . " I said . HD laughed . " Even so , " his tone picking a more serious tone " What would you do if you did not achieve what you want to achieve ? " I looked sideways at him and was surprised to see a serious face . " Hmph , whatever comes , comes . And i will take whatever is in store for me . " I said .

HD clasped my left shoulder with his hand . " As long as you can handle it , then i have nothing to worry about . Just remember , your suffering is mine too . If you feel that you can't hold it back , you know what to do . " I nodded as he turned to walk away . " Remember, Andrew , " HD turned back as he said " You don't judge a person by the strength he shows , you judge him by the amount of strength in which he can handle . " He walked away and i stared at him until the night darkness totally engulfs him .

I sighed as i continued my empty gaze . Time to set things straight , once .. and for all .

Can i do it ?

Am i ready ?

Do i believe ?

Yes .

CCW

Home

2010-03-09T04:25:00.000-08:00

I sat in front of one of the many computers in the library , slowly finishing my assignment and proceeding to finish the rest of my homework . I took a glimpse at my watch on my left wrist . The watch showed 5.00 p.m .

" Another one and a half hours , huh ? " I murmured . My transport is only available at 6.30 so i had almost two hours more before going back . I sighed and continued my work , finishing it within half an hours time . I laid back on the chair and gazed at my surroundings . I see people typing out their assignments in the computers , i see people surfing the net . I see people reading books . At last , my eyes fell on HD who appeared beside me .

" Not going back yet ? " he asked . I shook my head . " Transport's coming in an hour's time , " I said . HD nodded . " Pity about this , huh ? " he said , " I'll be around for awhile . This college intrigues me since its my first time entering the compound . You mind ? " I nodded my head . " The college is yours to view . And in regards to your first sentence , no , it isn't much of a pity , really . "

" I just don't wanna go home so early ."

HD looked at me , a frown on his face . " Problems? " he asked , " Nothing big , i hope ? " . I shook my head . " Nothing much . Its just that i hate going home and having to listen to all the grumbling and mumbling that they dish out . " HD smiled . " It's part of living in this world , ya know ? " He turned serious . " You gotta know that even if you are tolerant enough , other people aren't . " I turned to the computer screen and sighed . " Yea , I know .. "

" You might have given away your anger , your impatience and your sloth . But , remember , other people don't share the same things as you . " HD said , " Bear that in mind . And carry it well . " I nodded . " Thanks ."

HD nodded . " Don't worry too much about it . I'm here to help , as i have always been . If things get too nasty for you , you know what you need to do . " He grinned that trademark wicked grin he has . I laughed briefly , the joy which never reached the cold , calm eyes that i have gotten used to having .

HD started walking away . " You are one of the roots to that tree you strive so hard to keep intact . Don't topple it down now . I still wanna see it . " He walked out of the library , leaving me with much to think about .

CCW

The Bearer of His Nature

2010-03-03T05:21:00.000-08:00

Everyone feels pain . Everyone feels guilt . Everyone feels the emotions that GOD has provided us . Happiness , joy , pain , guilt , suffering , avarice , wrath , lust , envy , jealousy , sloth , pride , gluttony , despair , hope , vainglory . So many more . Everyone in this world feels each and every one of them in their veins . In their blood .

Not me .

I chose to omit the several emotions that i have in me . I vowed never to let all the emotions engulf me and make me into a monster . I vowed to bear them all , by sealing a part of them in a being i created . That being will bear my sins . That being will know all my sins . That being will be my sin .

He is the other part of me which few have seen . He is the part that lays within me , that takes the negative forces , leaving me with only the positive . Unless , i chose not to part with the negative force in question . I gave him my anger , my sloth , my gluttony , my envy , my jealousy , my pain , my guilt . Most of all , i gave him my greed . I chose to retain my despair with me . I thought that having despair reminds me that i am still human . That an angry beast can't stay chained forever . I kept my sins in this being i created . Each sin i present to him comes with a cost . Each pain and suffering that he receives results in a repayment in despair .

I kept my pride , knowing that i am no one without it . I kept my happiness , just to go on with the day . I kept my instincts , because there are times when you need them . I kept my hope , because i longed for a change . Finally , i kept my wrath , in order to unleash the deadly sins i kept in my other being .

" I am the pain of his wounds, the stress in his veins, the suffering of his plight,and his rage in his heart"

" I am the shadow that lives in the place of light . I am the light in the darkness . I am the bearer of his deadly nature ."

CCW

ATTENTION!!

2010-02-21T08:19:00.000-08:00

SPM RESULTS WILL BE OUT ON THE 16 OF MARCH !!!!!

ARE YOU READY FOR IT ???

I'm Not .. am i ?

CCW

Suspicion .. Or Not ..

2010-02-21T07:52:00.000-08:00

I walked out off Summit with Aaron Lui and Aaron Leong after our short reunion ; Aaron Lui had just returned from NS for CNY . I lagged behind , choosing to allow the two friends to talk on their matters while i conversed with Henecran .

That was when a man came up to us .

He was rather old-looking with ugly teeth to match . He was carrying a plastic bag and a drink bought from the supermarket , if memory served me right .

He opened the conversation .

" Do you know the shortest way to the Hilton PJ ? "

I was surprised . You see , we were in Subang jaya and the Hilton PJ was about kilometers away from USJ . " Well , its like way out of this place .. you gotta take a bus to get the-"

" Can i walk there ? What's the shortest way to walk there ? " he interrupted .

Henecran snorted . " He's either stupid or there's something out of place here ." Henecran muttered to me . I was laughing as i replied " Dude , if u reach hilton PJ in 5 hours by walking , i'm saluting you , there's no way u're gonna reach there by walking . This is Subang , man . Your destination's in PJ . Thats far .. get it ? FAR . "

He goes on rambling about how his friend left him here and that he lost his money . At this point , the two Aarons walked away from the man while i was rooted to the spot , noting how idiotic he looked . A few more exchange of words and i gave him 50 cents and he walked off .

Henecran looked back at the man before catching up with me as i walked to the Aarons .

" I don't trust that man , " Henecran muttered . I looked back at the man walking up the road . " Naturally , " i said " Why do u think i hurried the conversation , gave him some petty cash and told him to get going ? it's easier to shake off a person this way .. " Henecran snorted . " I hate this kind off people .. Did u actually believe that shit he was spewing out ? " I looked at Henecran . " You think i'm a fool ? Who do you think i am ? I knew he was an asswiping moron from the start . Only courtesy prevented me from pushing him aside and walking away . " Henecran grinned . " Hmmph . And here i thought you were fooled and i would get the chance to lecture you . Anyway , i would watch your back for awhile if i were you . You never know what to expect after that encounter . " I nodded and caught up with Aaron and headed to the bridge . Henecran stood at the bottom of the bridge , looking out at the road before turning away .

After seeing off the two Aarons , i remained cautious , making sure that the man from before was truly gone before making my way back into Summit . Henecran rejoined me after awhile and muttered " He's gone for good , he has . But all in all , a good experience , don't you think ? Pity it didn't turn violent . " I laughed at his sullen face . " I know your taste for violence but this just isn't the place .. Perhaps , in the future ? " I asked . Henecran grinned that wicked grin he has and continued walking .

" Let us leave that memory behind us and enjoy the last of today . "

CCW

College Life

2010-02-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

Its been two months since i've been in college . Been this long since i started , and yet , only now have i decided to post on it . Rather peculiar , don't you think ?

GCE A-Levels is not something one can take lightly . Well , so are the other courses that one can take . However , i'm talking about THE hardest course in Sunway College ; GCE A-Levels . It is the longest , toughest and one of the only courses which focuses solely on your examination progress . Being the guy that loves undertaking challenges that are too much to handle , i decided that this course was to be my destination .

Of course , i'm not the only one .

Weathering the course with me in this college are two of my schoolmates ; Theresa , who is my classmate for two years and Han Jyun , whom i've been acquainted with since Form 4 . Both have set their sights on enduring this one and the half year course .

And i'm thankful that i'm not alone .

When i first stepped into college , i only knew Theresa and she was the only one i could hang out with . Most of the people there came from other states , though i did glimpse upon a few of my friends ; be it from the same school or different schools . I saw Ken Yoong , Khai Tsen , Wei Zhi , Jia Wei , Jia Yi , May Yi , Beng Way , Hazel , Pravin , Kuok Yi and Kuok Wei . I also saw Joy with whom i'm acquainted through my mum's friend , Katina . I didn't see Han Jyun until the second day .

After the orientation , i was put into the classes for A-levels . I was in the same class as Han Jyun while Theresa was a class above mine . Surprisingly , 4/5 of my classes coincide with Theresa's so i still was able to be with the only two friends i knew . Of course , that would change in time as i got to know my classmates .

A-levels had 5 classes ; S1 , S2 , S3 , S4 and A1 . I was in S4 with Han Jyun and we were taking Physics , Chemistry , Maths and Further Maths . Theresa's class on the other hand took the same subjects except Further Maths . Which means their study on Maths would be a tad slower than ours , making them different from us just by Maths .

I wouldn't say anything about the lecturers in detail here . Suffice to say that all the lecturers are professional and capable of teaching . If you wanna know more about the lecturers , you're gonna have to ask me personally .

I'm mostly found with Han Jyun , either in class , CC , library or in the restaurants outside the college . During other times , i would be with Theresa and her newly met friend , a nice girl by the name of Au Zing Wen , hailing from Seremban . I'm now a passive smoker , since mixing with Han Jyun , though i'm not perturbed by it . I've decided that anyone who takes the A-Levels course are to be respected , whether they have a tainted past or not .

In class , it didn't take long to realize that everyone there was a level higher than me or at least on par with me . All were smart . All were brilliant . All were apt in the subjects . NONE were incapable of anything . Nicholas Lai , a Maths genius , could solve questions that the lecturer was facing trouble with . Dinakar , another friend , was observant and could spot implications in the answers though of course , some of the 'spotted' implications were merely confusions that we could not comprehend . This is only two of the roughly twenty students in my class that i mentioned . And a note of reminder . The rest are all on the same level .

Homework are not that plenty , unlike the load of work which i seem to see in Theresa's class . This allowed me to finish my work quickly and do the appropriate revisions . It looks like every subject must not be taken lightly , even if its just Maths . Its just a pain in the ass when it comes to assignments . I mean , i'm definitely not the type of guy who is capable of doing assignments . BUT , i will do my best , because i'm not alone when it comes to these things .

I'm currently in the middle of a Malaysian Studies assignment about the hierarchy of Malaysia's Legal System . In my group are six girls and two boys including me .

1. Chang Ching Wei

2. Ng Han Jyun

3. Theresa

4. Au Zing Wen

5. Fong Meng Yee

6. Vanessa Liew

7. Angel Soh

8. Christine

Don't ask me why there are so many girls , ok ?

Either way , i'm actually enjoying life in college . Life in college is ultimately 10 times better than school life . No one can deny that .

That's my narration on how college is . I'm coping with the pressure , but of course , doubtless the pressure would only continue to increase until i'm finally at my limits .

Or will i reach my limits ? Will two be enough to comprehend the strength of this course ?

CCW

The Biggest Chance That Slipped Away ..

2010-02-15T03:55:00.000-08:00

This post is evidently a few weeks late .. I just couldn't find the time to sit down and think things through on how to fit my two tournaments in one post .. ah well .. here it is ..

To start off , i apologize for the lack of ( or rather none ) photos in this post .. i'm the kinda guy who prefers reading than to the customary load of photos that keep getting in the way during my narration .. perhaps in the next few tournaments , i will get pictures of interesting games and post it in ..

Now , the first tournament of the year in which i had participated was the MSA CNY Scrabble Challenge 2010 . Fresh from SPM and just started college , this was my first major tournament since May 2009 . You could call this the re-debut of myself and Ramaraj as we aim to end this tournament on a high . My aim was to reach the top 10 Malaysian rankings ( was 20th that time ) and try to get money for Bangkok . ON WITH THE GAMES !!

Game 1

Aaron Chong - L - 362-565

Aaron started off with the bingo OVARIAl for 76 points and piled pressure on me with SEMITONE ( 95 ) , TENTWISE ( 86 ) and VERMIL ( 51 ) . Despite my GLEAMEd ( 71 ) and EGOTIZES ( 88 ) , i couldn't match his tempo and lost terribly . A very demoralising game , given that it was my first tournament game in about 6 months . However , this game showed me that i still had a long time before i could maintain my tempo in scoring .

Game 2

Hema - W - 403-340

I had been taught to be wary even if this was an unknown player . Missing ADOPTER and READOPT in my first move , i immediately find myself in a tight situation with near bingo-racks like AEIRTUW , EIKNRTU . Thankfully , i was able to score and an endgame HEALINGS ( 78 ) won me the game .

Game 3

Marcus Loke -W- 517-387

The previous win gave me the spirit i need to start my flow . Facing with a representative of Malaysia's 2008 and 2009 World Youth Scrabble Championship team , i was yet again very cautious . Eventually , my HAZED ( 40 ) , DESIRING ( 83 ) , LIENABLE ( 87 ) , FAMILY ( 51 ) and RERaNKs [ phoney XD ] ( 74 ) was enough to completely overcome his WILDEST ( 81 ) , UNGLOVED ( 42 ) and HEINOUS ( 77 ) .

Game 4

Alex Tan -W- 421-313

Unfortunately for him , he had no bingos . Fortunately for me , i had HORNINGS ( 89 ) and FERRINGS ( 86 ) . Fortunately for him , the two blanks didn't hit him very hard . Unfortunately for me , the two blanks came too late for me to bingo again . This was one of those meetings against him in which i had most of the good tiles and was able to beat him evenly .

Game 5

Tengku Asri -W- 495-445

A very close game . His three bingo spree of OUTsAIL ( 60 ) , ARISTAE ( 64 ) and REVENGES ( 70 ) along with a phoney which i overlooked ZEBEK ( 60 ) [ the real one was ZEBECK , XEBEC or ZEBEC ] was very pressuring , though my 4 bingo spree of NESTLED ( 73 ) , OUTLiVE ( 74 ) , NEUTRINO ( 62 ) and FERNIEST ( 72 ) managed to even up . At the end game , he played a phoney AGAPI [ real word AGAPAI and AGAPE ] allowing me to challenge it off and played my last three moves of an average 30 points each to wrap up the game .

Game 6

Henry Yeo Kien Hung -L- 416-369

I had never won him before and yet again lost to his superior playing and word knowledge . His RIMeSTER ( 80 ) and REALGARs ( 80 ) as well as the hooking of the previous bingo , TRIMeSTER gave him the win easily . I couldn't even lay a bingo despite my very constant scoring of an average 35 per move at the start . I needed more training to beat this Scrabble Master currently holding the title " CARDBOX SIFU " . XD

Game 7

Ramaraj Sundraraj -L- 433-460

The one person who had taught me the game and who has given me sound advice throughout the years . His word phoney CHAUF led him to IoDIZES ( 95 ) and he wrapped up the game with LEADERS ( 85 ) and AX ( 61 ) while my consolation of ANESTRI ( 83 ) only reduced my losing spread .

Game 8

Pui Cheng Wui -W- 453-284

A shocking win . I think Pui's tiles were very bad that he couldn't even reach 300 . My ROTTiNG ( 69 ) and SHEAThe ( 86 ) was enough to give me a win . This game was merely straightforward and that constant scoring is enough to win certain games .

Game 9

William Kang -W- 460-444

A near perfect game . My EMANATED ( 72 ) and OUTDANCE ( 77 ) coupling with SPOOF ( 42 ) , DOGGY ( 42 ) and JAR ( 53 ) won against his QAID ( 48 ) , OUTLANDS ( 63 ) , VARIX ( 46 ) , POLIEST [ PHONEY !! ] ( 91 ) and TESTIER ( 72 ) . He had nice tiles but my tiles were just a tad nicer . Though , of course , if i had challenged his phoney ( real word was PISTOLE and PIOLETS ) , it would have been an easy win for me .

Game 10

Aaron Chong -W- 460-428

Finally , i beat him though only by 32 points . By this time , my luck was slowly increasing to the point that i was starting to be very constant in my scoring . My WALiEST ( 78 ) , RETAINED ( 68 ) and SEILInG ( 73 ) was enough to beat his beautiful KASHERING ( 109 ) and IDEATING ( 83 ) .

Game 11

Ramaraj Sundraraj -W- 512-388

To those who do not know the format , starting from Game 10 , its King Of the Hill with repeats . Being at the top of the table now , i had to continue my winning streak to clinch podium finish . My BANjOES ( 74 ) , STORING ( 74 ) , RETAILS ( 70 ) and VARIETAL ( 92 ) was enough to brush aside his IODUREt ( 68 ) and PLATERS ( 78 ) giving me my second win against him in all tournaments , having played him about 8 times .

Game 12

Alex Tan -W- 477-384

Hellbent on continuing my winning streak , i changed off a first rack of heavy tiles to bingo GARMENTs , DEBTORS ( 74 ) , RAtIONED ( 77 ) and AUNTIES ( 68 ) along with a cheapo BLYPE ( 52 ) to his ROUTHIER ( 87 ) and CLIMAX ( 45 ) , effectively giving me a fifth straight win and my second 4 bingo game in a row . After the match , i was to play Aaron and was still top of the field . At my brother's category , he had to win his last 4 games to clinch 1st place and he had already won 2 of it . On the other hand , i had to win 2 out of my last 3 games to ensure podium finish .

Game 13

Aaron Chong -W- 447-398

My sixth win a row , giving me a new record for the longest winning streak in my career . His YARROWS ( 52 ) and PIANISTE ( 74 ) was not enough to match my SKITtLE ( 76 ) and TrIGONAL ( 79 ) . This made me even the score against him to 2-2 ; he had beaten me two years ago in the same tournament . The current standings after this game was ,

1. Chang Ching Wei

2. Alex Tan ( beaten Ram with a superb MEATLOAF bingo )

3. Aaron Chong

4. William Kang

I had to slug it out with Alex twice as i was a game ahead of the field . Should i win one of my last two games with Alex , i would have clinched my first ever Master's title .

Game 14

Alex Tan -L- 364-497

It was evident that the strain was too much for me to bear . My first turn OTARINE [ how cheap of me ] ( 66 ) and REKINDLE ( 84 ) was nowhere near his SLIDERS ( 72 ) and VISITEEs ( 149 ) . Perhaps the game would have changed if i did not play the phoney INIUM , leading him to place his niner , VISITEEs wrapping the game up . With IIMNTUU , my safest bet was to play TUI or change . However , lack of thinking made me play risky moves , resulting in my lose . It became evident after that game that i had to win the final game against Alex or risk dropping to third . William was to play Aaron again after beating him .

Game 15

Alex Tan -L- 356-384

Certainly not my game . Both of us had one bingo ; he had FLAUNTS ( 72 ) while i had BAGuIOS ( 91 ) . Half way through i played the phoney IMPY , costing me the game ( real word IMPI ) . If i had thought longer i would have seen IVY , a highly effective move just 2 spots away , depriving him a spot to play his Z , and preventing his FlAUNTS bingo . Unfortunately , i was already at the brink of exhaustion and played with a hasty feature that was to be my unbecoming . At the end , despite thinking for over 10 minutes , i could not find a move to turn the game to my favour and i lost to the ultimately better player .

Thus , the golden chance of clinching first place slipped away . Perhaps , to quote Alex in a certain way , I had used up all my luck in the previous games . In fact , to quote Newton's Third Law , " For every action , there is an equal and opposite reaction . " Having beaten Alex twice before the final two games , it was finally my turn to be beaten . I got third place with Alex as the champion and William clinching second after beating Aaron again .

1. Alex Tan

2. William Kang

3. Chang Ching Wei - 10 wins - average score of 435-409 , 34 bingos and 21/30 blanks .

The following week was the ASTAR Scrabble Tournament organised by UNIVERSITY OF MALAYA . Another tournament in which i was one game above the rest and finally succumbing to painful defeats to end up in 10th place .

Game 1

Muhammad Amin Omar -W- 559-204

In the first round the top players were handed new players and despite my massive score , it wasn't even comparable to Ramaraj who completely obliterated his opponent with a gargantuan score of 839 .

Game 2

Cedric Stewart Lewis -W- 440-433

Game 3

Albert Martono -W- 504-301

Game 4

Chaiwat Wuthinitikor -W- 513-320

In this game , i had a nine letter REVEALING which i later extended to REVEALINGS making it my second nine letter word played in all tournaments ; the first was COWARDIcE against Iyer in Malacca .

Game 5

Thacha Koowirat -W- 570-313

Game 6

Ramaraj -L- 395-468

Why must it always be him to end my spree ??

Game 7

Toh Wei Bin -L- 387-463

Couldn't play properly in this game . Was starting to feel the coldness that had taken its toll on the other players before Game 5 . He was the eventual champion so i was grateful to at least play him once .

Game 8

Christien -W- 485-343

Game 9

Chaiwat Wuthinitikor -L- 331-507

Note to myself : Destroy Newton's Third Law once i'm done with Physics .

Game 10

Thacha Koowirat -L- 319-541

Additional note - COMPLETELY obliterate Newton's Third Law AFTER THE TOURNAMENT .

he had a nice word of cOWBAnE though .

Game 11

Christien -W- 499-334

Game 12

Cedric Stewart Lewis -L- 405-422

I think Newton's laughing at me in his grave . XD

In the end , i'm at least grateful that i won RM160 for 10th place . My next tournament might be Johor MSA mini . Let's hope i can go ..

After the rating changes , i am currently the 11th Malaysian . However , it would soon change as Beng Way makes his comeback to the scene , making me go to 12 th place .. However , there is still the whole year in front of me , let's make it happen ..

CCW

Life's Brief Candle

2010-01-02T20:48:00.000-08:00

To-morrow , and to-morrow , and to-morrow ,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day ,

To the last syllable of recorded time ,

And all our yesterdays have lighted fools ,

The way to dusty death out! out! brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow , a poor player ,

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage ,

And then it is heard no more , It is a tale ,

Told by an idiot , full of sound and fury ,

Signifying nothing .

The poem in which William Shakespeare wrote about Macbeth , telling the world that life is but so meaningless . So empty . Not worth the effort we place .

Is it really that way ?

Do we treat life like it is nothing to us ? Do we take for granted the gift given to us by God ? Do we take it lightly ?

No.

We respect the living . We revere the dead . We understand the living . We know the dead . We want to live . And we do not want to die .

In this poem , life is like a candle . As easy as it is to be lighted , it is easy to be extinguished . As brief as it is , it is able to supply us light . As brief as our life might be , life SHOULD NOT be regarded as a candle . Why ? Because life is like a book . When life starts , the prologue starts . When death approaches , the epilogue emerges . And when we are finally dead , we are remembered , for good or for evil . Isn't that a book ? Once we have read the contents , we remember . We recall . Unlike a candle , in which once we use it , it is forgotten , a book is never truly forgotten . True , we do not recall the whole plot , but we do manage to conjure a image which somewhat allows us to reminisce upon the story which we read . That is life .

And that is why , as brief as life is , it is a book . Never a candle .

My resolutions for the upcoming year .. or should i say battle?

2010-01-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

2010 .

The start of a new year in my life . The beginning of the next chapter . Starts now .

My resolution has not entirely changed .

What i have went through this year , i expect it to continue in this following year .

My resolutions .

To excel in my A-levels , taking it one step further compared to my SPM examinations .

Unlike SPM in which i slacked all year , i do not plan on slacking in my college life . Well , maybe abit .. still .. it is an obligation for me to work harder for A-level .

Apart from that , i seriously aim to make my way into the top 10 Scrabble players in Malaysia . Currently , i'm the 20th ranked player .

I wanna beat Nigel Richards , whom i had lost 3 times before . I wanna win a major tournament ..in which my highest position was only 7th .

I gotta do something about my height , too . but more importantly , my brain .

And , lastly , i hope i can truly make use of the split personality in which i created for myself .

CCW

Another Trip To Kinokuniya

2009-12-28T23:48:00.000-08:00

Alex .

Shawn .

Jin Yang .

Carmen .

May Qin .

and Wei Mund .

Those are the six friends whom i have decided to go to Kinokuniya with . Or rather , invited to go along with . Frankly speaking , it wasn't just to Kinokuniya . Truth be told , I have no reason whatsoever to be going with then to Kinokuniya . Why then , do i make the journey there with the six of my friends ?

The reason is simple . It would probably be one of the last time that i would be going out with them . That is , i would be caught up with my college stuff and 3 of them are in Taylor's , one in NZ , one in Inti and another is in Sunway with me , only entering the July intake . Naturally , i was using this as an opportunity to be with them to remember them as my friends . I suck in reminiscence so this is probably the best .

We reached Kinokuniya when noon nearly struck . All of us , save Jin Yang and Carmen , rushed to the Japanese anime section to view the latest in anime releases . May Qin bought an artbook again . I merely looked at the books and wandered off somewhere else , without considering the fact to buy anything . I have this thing on buying extra reading material without first finishing the ones i have already obtained . So , naturally , i didn't have a single notion of buying books here .

I wandered around Kinokuniya and finally ended up in the engineering reference section . Looking at the amount of books they have , i selected a Physics AS-Level reference book and immediately got down to business . I read the whole AS syllabus and was surprised that i'm content with what i will be learning in 2010 . Satisfied with each other's findings , we left Kinokuniya to the Galeri Petronas , featuring the handicraft of a renowned craftsman . Wonderful work . Intricate designs . Precise accuracy and art . Bliss .

We took the monorail back to KL Sentral before making our way to Imbi , with the intention of going to LowYat , the haven of cheap original electronic appliances . Alex bought a WD 1.5TB external harddrive for a price cheaper than my 1TB WD external hard drive , Shawn and Wei Mund obtained headphones and earphones , May Qin bought a fan thingy for her sister and i got myself a Micro SD 2GB memory card for my phone . With that purchase , we headed home .

Oh , did i mention we met A.Samad Said along the way . He's a nice guy . Quite unexpected personality for one so famous . In a good sense anyway .

That concludes the experience i had . I bet the other six had more to talk about . My mind was drifting away most of the time , thinking and contemplating the troubling things in my mind . In fact , being tense was a good way to describe my emotions back then .

Still , i had my fun , even if it only lasted that day .

CCW

The Road Not Taken

2009-12-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

two roads diverged in a wood, and I --

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

The diverging paths that separates us from one action to another . The paths that determine the next course of action . For everything that has happened , the paths influence us . We are left to think freely the moves that we make , but when it comes to making a decision , it is down to one move , the solitary judgement , that makes us .... or breaks us .

For me , i regard my daily life in a chess board . Or rather the actions that i take , i take them as piece movements in a chess board . Before making a movement , i contemplate the obvious moves , i perceive the most useful among them , i think of the consequences of executing the move , i anticipate the risk , i calculate the reactions that are bound to occur , i access the situation , i deploy the move . Everything i do , i try my best to think of the best options .

But , of course , life isn't that simple . Mistakes , errors , forced or unforced , both of it are always in our cards , whether we like it or not . We are mere humans , we are created imperfectly . We are prone to mistakes , whether we like it or not . However , as humans , we are special . We know the mistakes we make . And thus , we are able , not to avoid completely , but to minimize the mistakes made . We take it to the bare minimum , making sure it does not disrupt our work . Just as in a chessboard , mistakes are accepted , embraced , but always thought over . When we make an error , we look at it and then think of ways to overcome it . We do not overlook it .

If you are in a situation where you feel like you cannot decide upon your next move , what would you do ? If you can't move forward , what do you do ? What do you think you should do ? And then , what do you do ? Both are different . You can think about going around the obstacle , you can think of ploughing through with all your might and you can think of going back . But , when you eventually make your move , only ONE is used . Which one would it be ? A coward would go back and wait . An extremist will plough through . A thinker would continue thinking . A huge percentage of people would go around the blockage . In the end of it all , what would YOU do ?

These diverging paths become the center of thought of all humans . Do i take the left ? Do i take the right ? Do i go straight ? Which direction ought i take ? Whichever it is , the thought comes first , the actions later . Thats why , " think before you act " is a proverb which i feel as very worthwhile and excellent .

As in a chessboard , you think . You opponents think . You contemplate your move as they anticipate it . You think of the consequences of your move as they in turn think of their consequences of their move . You make your move , winding up your turn , as you pass the thinking cap to your opponent . You rethink it once the game is over , wondering to yourself .

Did i do it right ? Was it the best ?

You did what you thought was right . And yes , you tried your best .

Then again , was it really your best ?

The One Step Forward

2009-12-21T06:49:00.000-08:00

He stood silently on the patch of green that was part of his home . Or what was left of his home . The sturdy pillars that once gave strength and stability to his house was now charred and slowly burning away with the licking flames . Still , he stood ever vigilantly , his face holding a grim outlook . The house continued to burn as he stood alone in the darkness that was lighted only by the red embers that were slowly destroying his house .

He lifted his cap and looked at the sky . The unusually black sky was without stars on this very night , as though the sky was reflecting the melancholy that echoed in his heart .
With the fire still going strong , he held up a bag which he had by his side . Without a trace of emotion , he threw it into the flames . The flames dimmed slightly before emerging in an intensity as though it was delighted to have extra supply for it to burn .

His hand rummaged into his pocket and took out a locket . His right hand grasped the locket tightly as the left hand slowly adjusted his cap back into place . The shaking hands were the only outward sign that he was at least human . The locket opened and in it was a picture of a girl . A girl that to him , was beauty itself . A single tear left his eyes as he took the locket and threw it into the flames .

“ I have done what I meant to do , “ he muttered , “ The burning house , the burning of my past , the destruction of all walls that barred me . “ He said it in a monotone , as though stating the obvious . His shaking hands still gave away the fact that he was not as calm as he looked . “ Is it done then ? “ he mused aloud . “ Apparently so , “ a voice said despite nobody else being there , “ Your next path is clear for you . All conditions have been met . It’s time . “ . He nodded slowly and stared at the burning wreckage that was his house .

“ From now on , I am the wandering one . The one who is lost . The one who has to bear the sins that I myself have commited as well as those that I am associated with . No longer will I shy away from the carnage I caused . A new beginning . A new chapter to open . A new story that will be written . The future , the desire of mankind . A new start to a new life . “

“ A wonderful speech at the darkest of times . “ the voice commented dryly . He acknowledged the comment with a wave of his hand . “ The next thing to do is .. “ he said . “ Yes , “ the voice said “ the next step in life . Your move .. What will it be ? “

He stared into the endless night , the thoughts of a new beginning echoed in the depths of his mind . He breathed in the air of the night and finally turned away from the dying flames that have managed to completely destroy the traces of his life .

As he walked away from the wreckage , he thought to himself . This is my step forward , my step forward into a new life , where I start anew , where no one knows who I am , where I’m from and what I am , he thought . I am the new me . I am about to change my life into one of sorrow and melancholy .
This is my step forward . My feet refuse to back down . They won’t because they know no retreat , only to move around . Never falling back from the path , only side-stepping and going to the front . Because that is what I have become . A lost soul .

The Sentinel Of Sorrow

2009-12-09T02:43:00.001-08:00

A poem which i wrote as i finished my Chemistry Paper 3 in 25 minutes .. and made a big mistake .. question said problem statement and i answered aim .. haihz ..

Anyway ,

The Sentinel Of Sorrow

Deep in the hallows of the darkest alley ,
Speaks the tale of the sentinel of sorrow ,
Hated by many , as he detest the merry ,
His cold chilly breeze flies through the gallows ,

He spurns tales of death and sorrow alike ,
Living in a bliss behind the cries of all ,
He drifts around seeking the bliss of night ,
When the fear and chill conquers all ,

Yet , he neither kills nor take the lives of men ,
He enjoys the living and cherishes the soul ,
He swims in the cries and fright of men ,
But leaves the pace of life at their control ,

There was never a grin or smile upon his face ,
Gaunt and haunted is the way he looks ,
He knows every scar etched on every face ,
And understands the pain as though it were a book ,

He exists for yesterday , today and tomorrow ,
Emanating chill and whispers in the gallows ,
You can search in all the deepest hallows ,
But seek never the sentinel of sorrow .

Its over .. for the moment ..

2009-12-09T01:14:00.000-08:00

SPM has finally ended .. and yet , i'm not as happy as the rest of my other classmates who are currently feeling at the top of the world what with the release from the hellish cages of SPM ..

For me .. i kinda miss the excitement before and during the examinations .. after SPM , of course , i'm happy and relieved but part of me just won't feel that way .. The part of me who's always serious .. the part of me who only wishes to continue working and never stopping ..

Still , it is good news that SPM is over ..

The next step is A-levels in Sunway College . I'm goin for the January intake ( anybody ? ) ..

Overall , i felt that SPM was really something that we anticipate to be a hell of a fight that would leave us in pieces once its over .. here's what i actually think of SPM ..

SPM is like a fuse that can blow at any moment .. your very action and reaction will determine whether the fuse blows or is safely discharged .. But this fuse is special .. The fuse is directly straight-forward with not that many cuts and bends .. It confuses the weak but if you are smart enough , tactful enough , who is to say that you can't discharge the fuse?

SPM 2009 in my very humble opinion , was like a normal fuse ... It doesn't have too many fuses .. but a part of it was so straight-forward , you can stumble along the way .. Even things that are ultimately simple can be your worse enemy .. Kinda like what they use to say " Your biggest barrier is not the twisted winding path , but the straight path with no knowledge about its way ."

I had intended to post reviews of the papers in my blog .. but i felt it better that i do not relive the memories which some intend to bury ..

For future SPM-takers , a word of advice , never ever think that SPM is gonna be excruciatingly hard .. like i mentioned , its straight-forward .. if you know how to look at it .. i do not say this lightly but worrying too much is hazardous and you might just be making more mistakes ..

CCW

Happy Birthday To Me

2009-11-16T07:40:00.000-08:00

I wish myself a very Happy Birthday on the day before SPM .. lol..

Happy Birthday to Alex ...

Happy Birthday to the rest of the people on this globe who happens to be borned on this day ..

Happy Birthday to me..
Happy Birthday to you ..
Happy Birthday to everybody ...
Happy Birthday to you ..

I'm feeling sentimental now .. lol ..

What with SPM in a day's time ..

CCW / HD

Lord Loss ..

2009-11-14T18:42:00.000-08:00

Lord Loss sows all the sorrows of the world ,
Lord Loss seeds the grief-starched trees ,

In the center of the web , lowly Lord Loss bows his head .

Mangled hands, naked eyes ,
Fanged snakes his soul line ,
Curled inside like textured skin ,
Bloody curdled sheets for skin ,

In the center of the web, vile Lord Loss torments the dead .

Over strands of red , lord loss crawls ,
Dispensing pain, despising all ,
Shuns friends , nurtures foes ,
Ravages hope , breeds woe ,
Drinks moons , devours suns ,
Twirls his thumbs till the reaper comes ,

In the center of the web , lush Lord Loss is all that's left .

This is the poem of Lord Loss .. The demon of sorrow .. one who cares .. one who scares .. and one who tortures for the sake of sorrow ..

HD

Reflecting ..

2009-11-13T07:12:00.000-08:00

Reflection..
Looking back at things ...
Thinking back about the mistakes and the actions i have taken ...
All of it...
Wishing that i had made another choice ...
Feels like i should have did something else ..
Feels like i should have made a different decision ...
Wishing that i had did the right thing ...

But...

What was the right thing?
What was the astute move ?
What was the appropriate measure that i should have taken ?
What was my mistake at that time ?

And then ..

How should i rectify it ?
How should i have seen the situation ?

What should have been my perception ?
What should i have thought ?

Maybe ..

I could have done better ..

Perhaps ..

There was another way to get through it ...

Either way ..

I know my limits ...
But i pretend to overlook it ..
I don't want the limits ..
I want to overcome those limits ...
Even if i have to sacrifice something important ..
Even if it means doing something that only i can see the benefit ..

Because ..

I'm afraid ..
Afraid that my limits will destroy me ..
Afraid that I would shy away from it ..
Scared of the consequences ..
Frightened by the possibility of failing everything ..

The words of comfort from my friends ..

They mean nothing to me at this stage ...
They are worthless ..
Not that i do not appreciate them ..
There are others controlling my life that figures the words of comfort are poisons ..
Dangerous things that can affect my performance ..

Still ..

I believe in myself ..
I believe in my friends ...
I believe that i can step forward ..

Smash the boundaries ...
Break down the barrier ...
Realize my dreams ..

After all ...

I am the Lost Soul ..
I have no place of comfort ..
Comfort to me is ..
In myself ..

And in myself ..
There is hope ...
There is the flames of determination ..

There is my very essence of life ..

Because i can ..

CCW/HD

ZzZzZz

2009-11-11T08:39:00.000-08:00

One word ...

STRESS!!!!!!!!

Doll ( Lia & Tada Aoi )

2009-11-09T00:09:00.001-08:00

doll
Vocals: Lia, Tada Aoi
Lyrics: Maeda Jun
Composition: Maeda Jun
Arrangement: ANANT-GARDE EYES

A doll that doesn’t have a heart
Was born from warm hands
It doesn’t laugh
It doesn’t talk, either

I want you to hear my thoughts, too, someday
They won’t become words
But I muster the extent of my strength
Because I know I’m going to live

The doll learned the meaning of the words called “thank you”
But it hasn’t used
Or said them yet

I want you to hear my thoughts, too, someday
Even if they don’t become words
I’ll muster the extent of my strength
Because I’ll tell it you: “Thank you”

Because the wind came out a bit
And pushed my back
I prepared for my journey again

I want you to hear my thoughts someday
They won’t become words
But I muster the extent of my strength
Because I’ll cry, shout, and tell them to you

If I can go to the distant sea someday
To the edge of the world’s edge
If I can make my way to such a place
I wonder how I’ll be able to feel then

doll
Vocals: Lia, Tada Aoi

Atataka na te kara umareta
Kokoro o motanai ningyou
Warau koto wa naku
Hanasu koto mo nai

Itsuka kiite hoshii kono omoi mo
Kotoba ni wa naranai kedo
Chikara no kagiri o furishibotte
Ikite iku koto o shiru kara

Ningyou wa arigatou to iu kotoba no imi o oboeta
Demo mada tsukau koto mo
Hanasu koto mo nai

Itsuka kitte hoshii kono omoi mo
Kotoba ni wa naranakute mo
Chikara no kagiri o furshibotte
Arigatou sou tsutaete iku kara

Kaze ga sukoshi dete kite
Boku no se o osu kara
Mata tabi no shitaku o suru koto ni shita n da

Itsuka kiite hoshii kono omoi o
Kotoba ni wa naranai kedo
Chikara no kagiri o furishibotte
Naite sakende tsutaeru kara

Itsuka yukeru nara tooi umi e
Sekai no hate no hate made
Sonna basho ni tadoritsuketara
Donna kimochi ni nareru no kana

Yet another song depicting the strength of Lia's vocals..

HENECRAN DACHGIWWING

I Am Become Death

The Undefined Darkness

Dark Return

Humans..

My Life As It Is

Of Seafood and Paddy Fields

In The Eyes Of The Suffering One

Its Not Anger...Its Pure Burning Wrath

Despair - Make It Your Life Force

What Word?

Butterflies In My Stomach

One Man's Perception Truly Is Another Man's Confusion

1+1+1+1=4? There Shouldn't Be So Many!!

Only a 'Jaguh Kampung'

Silence

Reaching The Top..At Last

Battle for Control

Mixed Emotions

An Update In Life

Black Sheep

Pathetic

'No more free downloads as MCMC blocks 10 file sharing sites

Very very Thin Line

The Right Choice

The End Of A Chapter..The Journey Of Another..

The Last Day

Salva Nos, Deus

Silent Cries In The Dark

Failure and the Return of HD

Black Days

Life, The Ugly Truth

An Idea from CNY visitings

Tolling Bell

Dead Flowers

The Inevitable

The Forked Road

Envy That Corrupts

真実と事実

Rage of The Soul

Correction of a 'Flaw'

The Commencing

The Beginning

Reconstruction

Something deep..

The past is there for you to remember your efforts, The present is there for you to know and take comfort, The future is there for you to wonder what's coming,You are here to know exactly why you're standing.HD

The Death and the Return

Smoke and kill.. Books and will

Of Equatorial and new material

The One I Fear And Revere..

Back ...

It was a blast while it lasted ..

Words from the wise ..

If you can see the future , don't ever look back . Cast off your fear . Look forward . Go forward . Never stand still . Retreat and you will age . Hesitate and you will die .

Being Where I Belonged

Broken Memory

Update in Life

KL Car VS Singapore Car

The Result

The Coming ..

Home

The Bearer of His Nature

ATTENTION!!

Suspicion .. Or Not ..

College Life

The Biggest Chance That Slipped Away ..

Life's Brief Candle

My resolutions for the upcoming year .. or should i say battle?

Another Trip To Kinokuniya

The Road Not Taken

The One Step Forward

The Sentinel Of Sorrow

Its over .. for the moment ..

Happy Birthday To Me

Lord Loss ..

Reflecting ..

ZzZzZz

Doll ( Lia & Tada Aoi )

The past is there for you to remember your efforts,
The present is there for you to know and take comfort,
The future is there for you to wonder what's coming,
You are here to know exactly why you're standing.

HD